


Radiance and Abyss

by froghaven



Category: Dreamteam (Fandom), Minecraft (Video Game), Video Blogging RPF, dreamnotnap - Fandom
Genre: Affection, Alternate Universe, Angst with a Happy Ending, Diagnosed Anorexia, Dream's kinda poetic with his words when he wants to be, Eating Disorders, Established Relationship, First Dates, Flashbacks, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Gay Panic, Heavy Angst, Hospital Dreams, Hospitals, Kissing, Longing, M/M, Marasmus, Medical Procedures, Mental Instability, Misunderstandings, Panic Attacks, Romance, Sinister Beings, Suicide Attempt, Their ages are slightly altered, Therapy, Triggers, Vomiting, implied anorexia, self doubt, suggestive content
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-12
Updated: 2021-03-14
Packaged: 2021-03-17 06:27:07
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 38,471
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29220954
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/froghaven/pseuds/froghaven
Summary: Sapnap hears the shuffling of feet and the door closes as they walk off still talking. The voice cuts off and he hears no more. They're worried about him? Sapnap clutches the sheets shaking. No, no they aren't supposed to be worried. 𝘏𝘦'𝘴 𝘧𝘪𝘯𝘦. He swears he's alright, that's what he's told them.He screws his eyes shut, letting his bed bring him to the world of nightmares.
Relationships: Clay | Dream/GeorgeNotFound (Video Blogging RPF), Clay | Dream/GeorgeNotFound/Sapnap (Video Blogging RPF), Clay | Dream/Sapnap (Video Blogging RPF), GeorgeNotFound/Sapnap (Video Blogging RPF)
Comments: 90
Kudos: 346





	1. Doubt

**Author's Note:**

> Please take the time to read through the notes, it'll be a little lengthy but is very important.
> 
> First of all PLEASE make sure to read all the tags to make sure you know what you're getting into, this does contain some very heavy topics which could be big trigger for some people if not worse. So again confirm you know what you'll be reading before beginning.
> 
> Second, this story is not depicting the real George, Dream or Sapnap. This work is their online personas just put into a real world environment instead of Minecraft. So please keep that in mind and of course if they are ever to say they no longer want to be written of this will be deleted.
> 
> This is probably one of my more depressing works, but I enjoyed writing it quite a lot. To me being able to describe sadness, and the sort of things this work will contain is important to bring light to the fact everyone does have struggles even if they're not evident. If anyone you know is struggling that you know of just reach out y'know? It's not too difficult to try and be there and of course try to keep yourself in check too!
> 
> The way this work came to be is quite interesting, I took an angst request and wrote it and someone commented saying the song [ Is Your Bedroom Ceiling Bored Like Mine - Catown, Sody. ] would fit it perfectly. So I decided to give the song a listen and while this work is not based on the song whatsoever, it did inspire me to create my own concept. Only one very significant part of this work came from the song really which I will put in the end notes of this chapter as to avoid spoilers.
> 
> Please be aware that if you read the tags this does contain the topic, implication and very clearly implied eating disorder of Anorexia. I did research on it to be as accurate as possible, but be aware it may be slightly inaccurate. Same thing with something that will happen later on in this work which I will address. And in no way am I putting this disorder to shame, it is very valid. I did my very best to portray it.
> 
> I already have the entire thing written out, some chapters will be quite long while others will be rather short. Then some will just be around an average length (2-3k) I also feel like this will be one of my less popular works but I hope those of you who do read it, enjoy it at least a little. :]
> 
> Finally again, make sure to read all of the tags in this work before proceeding. it's rated Explicit for because of how heavy the topics are.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> These nightmares, they haunt him. Why can't he speak up about it?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Updates once every three days, hope you like this :]

_Beep, beep._ —   
  
His own shallow breath, a loud voice over an intercom.  
  
"Dr. Fritz Please report to the front desk."   
  
_Beep, beep._

The smell of medicine along with strong bleach. A pungent smell of death and vomit makes the boy want to gag. Sapnap struggles to pry his eyes open, desperately trying to make out the blurred world around him. The bright light makes him squint.

His nose scrunches up from the smell of disinfectant that always tries but fails to cover up the smell of blood and other rotting things that he'd rather not name. 

Where is he?

Above him the ceiling has a fluorescent light that shines down on him. It's not very bright but after just awakening it was like staring right at the sun. It's obvious now he's in a hospital room. Around him the walls are a solid and gloomy blue, the curtains on the singular window a gray, saturated color.

For a room that someone was supposed to gradually become better in, it seemed rather solemn.

His breathing seems to be average, the noise he'd been hearing is coming from his left.

He turns his head to glance at a heart rate monitor. It was an implication that he was indeed alive, he watched the green line spike up, then go down. Go up and down, up and down, in small little beats.

Why is he here? He doesn't know.

He looks down at himself. There’s an IV in his arm, his skin looks it's normal color. A white hospital gown hugs his hips. It has small blue flowers decorating it all over. 

Even moving hurts, he feels so weak and scared. Who brought him here? What happened? 

His head was pounding as if a jackhammer was being used right next to him. He can't see straight, he can't seem to take it all in.

There are voices outside of the room, footsteps as people walk by. 

A window is open and a fresh wind blows in to slightly caress his skin. The curtains stir from it, he looks at it as if that window was the center of his universe.

his eyelids feel so heavy. Falling asleep would be okay right?  
  
Just when he comes to the ultimate decision that rest is the best option the door to the room opens. Sapnap watches as a doctor enters the room.

His golden colored hair is slicked back, a stethoscope around his neck like decoration. A white trench coat is over a dark blue button up shirt. The coat hangs down almost to his knees. There’s a pen in his front pocket, along with what looks like a slip of paper. White buttons are on the coat.

He looks devilishly handsome for someone who seemed overly exhausted. The doctor is holding a clipboard, a firm line is all his lips form. The bags under his eyes make him older than he probably is. His soft blue eyes are dull, almost lifeless. 

"I'm glad to see you've finally woken up. You were out for quite a while." The doctor says to him warmly.

Sapnap blinks and breathes out, opening his mouth. The doctor holds his clipboard with one hand securely while taking one hand off of it. He lifts it up motioning Sapnap to not speak. "It's probably better if you rest your voice. I'll answer all your questions later but...as to what you're doing here.-"

He sighs and looks down at his clipboard. Just as he's about to tell Sapnap why he's here something comes in behind him. A figure that Sapnap can't seem to make out. Its eyes are white with no pupils horns adorn the top of its head. Twisted in every direction, in no way symmetrical. Vines wrap around them, almost as black as the horns themselves. The figure itself is black, black like a void. An endless abyss.

" _I found you_ ." The voice is raspy and low and everything Sapnap fears. The doctor opens his mouth as if to scream but nothing comes out.  
  
  
____  
  
  
"Sapnap, Sapnap are you okay?" A voice is speaking to him.

He quickly and rapidly opens his eyes sitting up. Hands are gripping his shoulders.

"Are you alright?" It takes him a second to determine that the person is George, his boyfriend. "W-what?" Sapnap asks confused, he notices that he's shaking all over, beads of cold sweat falling from his cheeks.

Or are they tears? He's not stable enough to tell.

"You were whimpering in your sleep, So I thought you were having a nightmare."

George's tone is calm, his British accent coming through. Sapnap is scared, he wants to hug the other. He desperately wants to be held but he can't express that for many reasons. "Yes, I'm okay thank you." Sapnap mumbles to the brunette blankly. A few seconds go by and George removes his hands from him.

"Well okay, if somethings bothering you, don't forget you can always tell me or Dream."

Sapnap nods, he takes the words into account but they barely register. Nothing anyone says to him is registered anymore. All of a sudden he gasps out and grips onto George's shirt. George stares down at him, his hazel eyes filled with concern. He asks again more hesitantly. "Are you sure you're alright?" 

"Yeah, I apologize, the nightmare was just pretty groundbreaking." 

Sapnap laughs, it sounds sarcastic and sad. Sapnap has been this way for a week—that George has noticed at least — it's begun to worry him. He always tries to ask him what's wrong but he never budges, Dream received the same treatment. They didn't want to force anything on Sapnap, they'd both concluded that Sapnap would be better. 

That's what they thought, that it would be maybe another few days. A week at most and Sapnap would be back to his orderly self again. They had begun noticing he was always waking up from nightmares, always timid and never hungry when they asked. George and Dream both had jobs and Sapnap always told them he ate though. Who were they to think he was lying? 

When there were no recently washed dishes Sapnap always said he'd ordered food out, then tossed the plastic disposables outside into the trash can on the street. 

Why would Dream or George check? They didn't think Sapnap was lying to them. It never occurred to them to put Sapnap on a scale to see that he'd lost a considerable amount of weight.

They never seemed to notice that his clothes grew looser from the fact he was becoming thinner. Why would they notice? They didn't think there was need to worry, Sapnap always swore he was fine. That he ate and was feeling happy, there was no reason to think he was lying. Then the next day at dinner Dream noticed Sapnap was playing with his food, never taking a bite.  
  
  
____  
  
  
Today was one of the only days Dream and George were both off of work. As a result Dream had cooked food for them all to eat. They were having some small talk over vegetable stir fry, well everyone except Sapnap. He was preoccupied moving a piece of broccoli around the rim of his plate to and fro. He doesn't seem interested in his meal at all.

Dream had already finished and George was nearly done with his plate.

"Sapnap are you not going to eat?" Dream questions him.

The raven haired whips his head up staring at the blonde, Dream looks perplexed as he watches Sapnap blink. 

"Sorry I'm not that hungry." He mutters before returning to his food.

Dream frowns before letting him off the hook. Sapnap had said he'd eaten lunch pretty late so he didn't hold it against him. A new topic of conversation comes up between the three of them, Dream is the one to mention it. 

"Alright guys, I know we've all been needing a break recently, sooo."

He smiles widely and George arches an eyebrow. Sapnap pretends to be focused but he's too busy thinking about when George and Dream will finally realize he's deadweight, that he's not worth being in a relationship with. He wonders everyday why they waste their precious time on him. It all feels fake, they don't feel real. Sapnap doubts everything and everyone around him now. Doubt is something he's even started to find in himself, he's not sure he can keep doing this. He shudders, actually tuning in to what Dream is telling them.

"I rented us a beach house in Hawaii." Dream says excitedly, green eyes lit up with zeal.  
  
Sapnap puts his hands up and whoops, putting up his best act of happiness. George giggles and highfive's Dream across the table.

"Let's go! That sounds fun, we can all go right?" The brit exclaims grinning from ear to ear.

Sapnap immediately chimes in. "I'm not feeling too well, I don't think I should travel." He also fakes the act of being disappointed over it. Dream glances at Sapnap with a glum expression, his lips forming a pout. "Awhhh, well I want to wait until we can all go so I'll cancel the reservation."

Panic shoots through Sapnap, he doesn't want to ruin it for all of them just for his own selfish intentions, so he quickly pipes up not wanting to be a problem. "No, no you and George can go. I'll be alright, I promise. I'll take care of the house and Patches while you guys are gone! It'll give me something to do."

He grins at them, but the smile is fake. Neither George nor Dream can pick it up but they do share a silent conversation with their eyes.

"I guess if you're sure, but you have to promise you'll call us at least once everyday." George speaks for him and Dream.

Sapnap complies quickly not wanting to cause any more worry than he most likely already has.

"I will, I promise." 

Dinner ends and Sapnap looks down at his uneaten food. He feels bad, Dream took his time to make him food. But he didn't eat a bite, he was so wasteful. Was something wrong with him? His guilt suffocated the side of him telling him not to eat. He shoveled the food into his mouth like it was his lifeline, then chewed and swallowed. 

It was so delicious or maybe it was just that he’d barely eaten anything for 2 weeks. But the food was welcomed into his stomach.  
  
Dream looked at him. 

"You weren't hungry eh?" He teased, Sapnap can't help but roll his eyes.

"Whatever. It's really good so thank you for cooking Dream." He mumbles. Dream laughs smiling at him. He kisses Sapnap's cheek telling him it's no problem. By the time Sapnap's done eating Dream and George are long gone saying they had to go upstairs to pack their belongings.

They would be leaving tomorrow afternoon and arrive in Hawaii around 12 hours later. What would Sapnap do with the house all to himself? Probably spend most of it sleeping or working at his job on the weekend. Or cleaning around the house so he could live up to what he'd told the two. Sapnap sits at the dinner table for a while, staring ahead zoning out as he does often.  
  
_What if I sleep forever_? 

He blinks and stands up from his chair in a swift sharp movement. His hands shake, he steadies them while taking deep breaths. Why was that the thought popping into his head? He didn't really want that, at least he didn't think so. He pushes his chair in, grabbing his plate. It feels heavier than it should. It was one of the ceramic plates but it still feels more like he has a bag of bricks in his grip rather than one plate.

Walking to the sink, he feels dizzy. And before he knows what's happening he hears a crash. Shocked, he looks at his hands; they're empty. He looks down at the floor, the plate is in pieces.

"Fuck." He growls distraught with himself. How had he not even realized he'd dropped it? Maybe he should see a doctor or better yet a therapist. No. Bad idea. George and Dream would worry over him.  
  
George rushes out from around the corner to see Sapnap crouched down on the floor picking up the shards.

"Sapnap are you alright baby, what happened?" The youngest immediately is scared that George will be mad at him for breaking the plate.

"N-nothing." He lies through his teeth, George circles around since Sapnap's back was facing him. "No, no Sap don't do that you'll get hurt." George frowns, making Sapnap drop the shards. The Raven haired looks up at him, tears in his eyes. 

"You aren't mad at me?" The younger one whispers out. George frowns baffled as to why Sapnap would think such a thing. "Not at all, I'm more worried that you could have cut yourself." George wraps his arms around Sapnap.  
  
Is the brunette really not mad at him? Sapnap isn't sure, is he really inclined to believe him? Sapnap is disgusted with himself for such a debate in his head. The hug is too warm for his boyfriend to be lying, he hugs him back, still trembling.

"What happened though? Did you drop the plate?"

Sapnap nods and George sighs softly kissing Sapnap's head. Sapnap almost cowers from the action. Immediately he questions himself for it. Why would he do that? It was a kiss from the guy he loves, there's nothing wrong with it. If anything he would usually be accepting the kiss with great joy.

Now all he can think of is if the kiss really meant anything.  
  
"Come on Sap I'll help you clean up." George pulls away from the hug to stand to his feet before over to the counter. He opens up a drawer, pulling out a pair of thin rubber gloves from a box. Sapnap scrambles to snag an empty plastic bag that they would get when going to the grocery store.

Sapnap wanted to make himself useful and assist since he'd troubled George with helping to pick up the broken pieces of the plate. George begins picking up the shards and placing them inside the bag Sapnap is now holding open for him.

"Thank you Sap." George smiles up at his significant other. Sapnap doesn't look at him, he's nervous. The brunette leans up and looks into Sapnap's eyes.

"Are you alright hun?" He asks sweetly, not wanting to alarm the younger. He always seemed on edge as of late. George worried but left him be figuring maybe he was just tired or a little shaken from his nightmares.

"Mhm, I'm sorry if I'm making you worry George."

"Don't worry about that, it's no problem, I want to make sure you're okay, that’s what’s important."

Even though George tries to keep eye contact with him, Sapnap doesn't have his gaze on him. They finish picking up the remains of the plate together, Sapnap then ties the bag with his shaking fingers before walking over to the trashcan next to the fridge and dropping it in.  
  
He'd nearly forgotten to ask.

"Hey George?" He turns his head to look at the male who is taking off the gloves, placing them back into the drawer.

"Yeah?"

"How long do you think you and Dream will be gone?" Sapnap asks curiously, his hands behind his back.

"We were talking about it upstairs and we decided we don't want to leave you alone here for a long time."

Sapnap didn't want them to have to cut their time short because of him but arguing would only call for more suspicion.

"So instead of a month we'll only be gone for a week."

Sapnap frowns and fakes a cry. " That's so longgg, but I promise I'll be okay!" He reassures the other and George nods believing every word. Sapnap was a terrific liar, his mask of a face never showed what he truly felt, at least not around others.

Soon George returns upstairs, Sapnap watches him leave. The sound of his footsteps on the stairs are quiet and in all honesty Sapnap is just heavily relieved that George wasn't angry with him over the broken plate. He goes upstairs to the bathroom to brush his teeth and ready himself for bed. He looks into the mirror while holding his toothbrush in his hand.

The toothpaste foaming up in his mouth cleans his teeth and makes him feel a lot better. Along with it he feels refreshed. He takes a small plastic cup resting at the edge of the sink. Proceeding to turn knobs on the sink, he fills up the cup with water.

He brings the cup to his lips and takes water inside his cheeks, then hollows them out, swishing it around. Spitting out the water into the sink, he wipes his mouth with his forearm. Sapnap looks back up to be greeted with the reflection of a hand on his shoulder. When had someone else entered the bathroom? Sapnap hadn't heard the door nor anyone coming towards him. He soon realized the hand couldn't belong to someone in the house.

It's fingers were inhumanly long and weren't straight. They were thin, almost all bones, pitch-black in color. The grip on his shoulder is staunch, it terrifies Sapnap out of his mind. He starts shaking, not being able to tear his gaze from the mirror.

" _I'm here for you, you don't need anyone else_." 

In an instant the hand shrivels up and fades to nothing. Spanap wanted to scream, yet he restrained it biting down hard on his tongue to keep quiet. 

That thing has sounded just like the creature from his nightmare, there was no mistaking the tone similarity. Anxiety bubbles up inside of him in immense amount, an ocean wave threatening to knock him over. He coughs into the sink, he hasn't looked behind him. Fear had instilled in him to the point he refused to look behind him.

The blood liquid that came from his mouth stands out against the white color of the sink. Sapnap stares down at it in terror. Quickly he turns knobs on the sink to get water rushing from the faucet. His blood washes down the drain and soon is gone. All of the sudden the food he had earlier seemed to not have settled well. Sapnap covers his mouth with his hand.

A sudden urge to throw up is unstoppable. Staggering to the toilet he yanks the seat up and tips his head down over it. It rises in his throat as he vomits into the toilet. The nauseating feeling in his stomach is gone when he gets it all out, his mouth has a bitterness the makes him want to gag. He flushes the toilet and rushes back over to the sink where the water is still running. 

He cups water into his hands getting as much fluid into his mouth as possible. The aftertaste in his mouth washes over, his breathing heavy.

_knock, knock._

Sapnap tilts his head to the door where someone had just knocked with his eyes wide. 

"Sapnap are you okay in there?" 

It's Dream. Sapnap closes the toilet lid, calming down. He washes his hands while speaking. "Yup! Just washing up my hands after using the bathroom." Sapnap opens up the door and is faced with Dream, he stands there in a pair of what Sapnap presumes is the attire he'll be going to sleep in; a vibrant green cami with gray sweatpants. "I'm gonna brush my teeth and go to bed, night Sap." Dream tells him. His lover leans down to kiss his forehead. It felt oddly foreign even though they'd done it countless times, it makes Sapnap's breath hitch.  
  
"Night Dream."

Sapnap mutters as they walk past each other. There's a voice, one so faint Sapnap barely catches it, it makes him begin walking faster.

_"He'll leave you once he realizes you're a waste of his time._ " 

Sapnap shakes his head, he has to be going insane. He rushes to his room after passing by George who is on his way to the other bathroom in the house.  
  
"Oh goodnight Sapnap!" George smiles. Sapnap only spares him a look and a weak smile before entering his room.

_"Just wait, he'll disappear from your life, like everyone else._ "

The door closes behind him with a click. He slides down against the cool surface, when Sapnap's behind hits the floor he winces. He's shaking again, he wants to ask for help but something holds him back. The voices are just in his head. He tucks his knees into his chest. Then why do they sound so real? Sapnap wraps his arms around his head as he leans it down to rest on the tops of his kneecaps. Telling Dream and George that he's not okay would be wise, they would help him, give him hugs and assure him they love him. They'd tell him he's perfect the way he is.

Everything would return to how it had been, but Sapnap couldn't pull his mind from this state of hatred for himself. His head spun, the world was colorful around him. In the darkness of his room he saw it. It was right there. Kneeled down in front of him, it's toothy grin revealed razor sharp teeth, but for some reason it didn't seem dangerous.

This was different from the one he'd seen in his nightmare. It's eyes were pitch black, and deep. They seemed to dig into his soul and strip him of everything. It's body was white and blinding. Some sort of TV static surrounded it. The horns on top of it's head were nearly identical to the ones on the creature in his dream.

" _Hey there_." 

The wicked tone sends shivers down the ravens spine. What is he supposed to do? Why is it talking to him? Just looking at it makes him quake, makes him want to run. But how can he? He’s stuck to the spot on the floor.

The creature doesn't wait for a response, it continues while toying with the white vines wrapped around its own horns. They have thorns on them not to mention they're dripping with something red. Butterflies are resting on the vines, white like the monstrous being itself.

" _You really are pathetic, this is going to eat you. These doubts of yours, they'll consume you until you're drowning in them._ "

In the moment Sapnap doesn't even recognize his own voice as he whispers back to it.

"I know." 

The unknown being outstretches it's hand towards Sapnap. Almost like a hospitable offer; a mother reaching out to her son.

" _You're going to start falling farther and farther if you aren't careful. The Abyss will envelop you._ "

Sapnap looks at the hand as if it's death. Perhaps it is, there's only one way to find out for sure and Sapnap isn't taking that risk, well not yet.

"Who are you? W-what are you...and what's that other thing. It looks almost just like you." All the thing can do is smile at him. Whether it's sinister or with good intentions Sapnap doesn't know. Nor is he excited to find out. " _All in good time. Everything will become clear, you'll have to save yourself before you're gone or... perhaps they can save you._ "

Before Sapnap can ask another question it's gone. Leaving him completely alone in his room.  
  
Who was he kidding? He already was alone, he was merely seeing things. Yet a speck of something remains. A white and small butterfly, it rests on his hand. It feels so _alive_. Sapnap stares at it. Its wings open and close, the butterfly changes colors before his eyes. From white, to black, to red.

Red, deep deep red. Blood. Blood runs from its wings then onto Sapnap's hands. The butterfly goes limp, it dies just as many things in life. Blood drips down from the side of his hand and it soon disappears as well. He hears footsteps coming towards his room. Sapnap darts up from his spot nearly hitting his head against the doorknob above. 

He falls onto his bed and pulls the covers over himself in a frenzy. His heart is racing as he hears the door open, his eyes close. The light from the hall seeps through his closed eyelids as he waits.

"He's asleep." He hears a British voice, which is no doubt George.

"Yeah... George what if we come back and he's doing worse than he is now? He's been eating and everything but he's definitely not feeling his best, I know you’ve seen it to. The way he seems scared of us all the time."

George waits until Dream finishes to respond. "He might just have a small cold and doesn’t want us to catch it, he only started visibly being like this a week ago. Well at least as far as I can tell. I hope...I hope that’s all it is."

"Then should we really be leaving him here al-"

Sapnap hears the shuffling of feet and the door closes as they walk off still talking. The voice cuts off and he hears no more. They're worried about him? Sapnap clutches the sheets shaking. No, no they aren't supposed to be worried. _He's fine._ He swears he's alright, that's what he's told them.

He screws his eyes shut, letting his bed bring him to the world of nightmares. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I got the idea for Sapnap having Dreams of being in the hospital from Is Your Bedroom Ceiling Bored like mine. Somewhere like in the first 35 seconds of the song there's some background noise that kinda reminded me of a heart rate monitor.


	2. Departure

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They leave, he shatters.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wooo

_Beep, beep._

The heart rate monitor greets him, his leadened eyes open. The light above him is more familiar now then before. His muscles are tense and they burn. Now in contrast to before he felt like he'd been hit by a bus. It hurt to move his arm as he lifted it up. Gravity seemed to force his hand back to his side.

Sapnap closes his eyes once again, _it hurts so badly_. Why haven't George and Dream come to visit him? Do they know he's in the hospital? He misses them so much, he wants to be cuddling with them. Exhaustion has found its way into every inch of Sapnap, he's let it.

Mentally and physically to the point he can't seem to care.

" _Hey, Sap._ "

Sapnap quickly opens his eyes back up. Was that Dream? He turns his head, the agony making him wince. No, it's just another trick to toy with him, white eyes meet his own. It's eyes scrunch up as the thing smiles at him.

"What do you want from me?" Sapnap is shocked by the way his tone of voice has changed. It sounds so different, so dead.

It sounds like he's given up, has he? It’s likely. " _I want you to ignore whatever Radiance says to you._ " Sapnap blinks in perplexity.  
  
Radiance?  
  
The beast seems to understand as it lets out a cackle. It rattles Sapnap's bones, it's terrifying, it makes him cold to his core.

" _Didn't reveal it's name huh, well let me do the honors. Radiance is that beast of a thing you saw. Like me, but different. Acts kinder._ "

Sapnap has no idea what this means. Where did these abnormal things come from? He wants them to leave him alone, he wants to go to sleep.

" _I am Abyss, I am your savior dear Sapnap._ "

Savior? What on earth does he need a savior for? He's fine, he doesn't need anyone, much less the help of two things all in his head.

" _Whatever you do, you mustn't listen to Radiance. It will deceive you, nothing is worth hoping on anymore_."

Sapnap can practically feel the heat coming from this thing as it stalks over him. The vines unwrap from its horns, looking over Sapnap ominously. They're teasing him, dangling to try and touch him. Sapnap wants to pull back, but he can't, he's in bed and it’s dreadfully unbearable to move.

" _Those two supposed lovers of yours, they don't need you Sapnap. You're just in the way, they'd be better together if you were gone._ " The words send Sapnap falling inside of his head, he falls and he falls.

Tears well in his eyes but why? He knew this, he'd known it for a while. Yet hearing it from something else, and something not even real at that. It stung, it burned. It ached so badly, he wanted to cry out but that too would cause him pain.

"But— "  
  
The creature brings one of its long, bony black fingers to his lips. It shushes him, he shudders from the feeling. 

" _Listen to me Sapnap, you cannot keep holding onto this foolish thought of hope. Just take my hand Sapnap. Let it devour you._ "

Sapnap shakes his head, even that brings him great discomfort. He groans and curls up in the bed. The heart rate monitor next to him goes at it's usual pace.

"I'm not ready, not yet. Please not yet." The beast sighs, retracting. It has to be at least seven feet tall as it stands next to his bed.

" _I am not one to force things, so I will give you this so-called time. When you realize Sapnap, you'll see it was a waste to keep trying. But I am generous so you may do as you wish._ "

Once again the beast disappears and it too leaves a trace of something to mark its appearance. Black ink stains the hospital gown. Just a small splotch, yet there. Sapnap stares at it, closing his eyes trying to tell himself this was all fake.

The tears he begins to cry leave trails on his cheeks. This can't be real, it just can't be.

The doctor enters the room, the same one from before; the bags under his eyes, the same black pen in his front pocket.

This time Sapnap doesn’t hear a word he says before he wakes up.

____

Sapnap sits up again in a sweat, he’s shaking and he feels so cold. But he's in a pair of sweats and a long sleeved shirt, how could he be chilly? There are blankets over him yet it feels like a blizzard has entered his body.

He shivers trying to find warmth in the freezing atmosphere of his room. His teeth chatter, he wraps the covers around himself tighter. It didn't help at all, the nimiety of the cold temperature inside him wasn't dying down.

Then warmth blooms in his chest, it courses through his veins. Gives his body strength to sit up and stare at his environment. The same one he'd fallen asleep in, his room. He wonders where the warmth came from until he sees it.

Two white radiant arms wrapped around him, he trembles as he looks at them. Radiance, as Abyss had called it was hugging him from behind. A feeling like that of Summer, like the sun is tickling his skin. He hadn't even noticed the arms there and as quick as they had appeared they vanished. The warmth is gone but Sapnap is no longer cold. He looks up at his ceiling laughing to himself. The laughs turn to sobs, to silent sniffles. He's so out of it, he knows he is yet he lets himself suffer. He manages to turn his head to glance at the alarm clock on his nightstand.

**6:38 AM**

What will sleep do for him now? Nothing.

He arises from the bed. The covers come with him and drag off his bed. He sighs and leaves them there while he opens the door. Everything is quiet, everything is still. What is he doing? Sapnap walks towards Dream's room quietly, cautiously he turns the knob to his bedroom door. **  
**

He peeks his head inside. 

What he sees piques him but isn't shocking. George is cuddled up in Dream's arms comfortably, their bodies are tangled together as they sleep soundly. Sapnap closes the door again wanting to cry. For a few seconds he wonders what it's like to be needed and to be wanted.

Imagining such a world was enough to get him through it. Sapnap walks down the staircase reaching the bottom floor, he feels something at his feet and looking down he sees Patches. The cat is rubbing against his feet, purring and flicking her tail. Sapnap leans down to pet her before flicking on the light in the kitchen. 

His body feels as heavy as his heart. And that was more weight than anyone should ever be carrying, since today was a Tuesday he'd have 3 days before having to go to work. Sapnap worked part time at an animal shelter, he loved animals, what could he say? He wonders if seeing them on Saturday could bring a smile to his face.

His eyes begin to eye the coffee maker, his mouth is dry and he's so tired. The urge to reach his finger forward and press the ON button was there but not strong enough. Instead he sat at the table and pulled his phone out from his pocket. He turns it on and scrolls through social media. Nothing seems to catch his interest.

Then again, what did catch his interest these days? The thought is bitter like a green apple in his mouth. His phone is returned to his pocket and he rests his head down onto the table. He doesn't realize but he falls back asleep. No nightmare befalls him. Instead, slumber brings him to a dream, one of happier times.

Pushing the dread of his lover's departure today to the back of his mind, he slept.

  
____  
  


"This is it then." Dream tells him.  
  
They're standing at the gate where Dream and George's flight will be. Gate 32C to be precise, their flight is going to be called any second.  
  
There are a handful of other people sitting in chairs, resting their eyes, eating, listening to music. Children who were playing with toys were there too. Unlike them George, Dream, and Sapnap were standing.

"Yeah, see you guys in a week?" Sapnap says, while shyly opening his arms. The two both swoop in to hug him tightly after letting their suitcases go long enough to do so, pulling their lover into an embrace.

"For sure." George laughs softly.

They stay like that for a while, Sapnap wants to enjoy it but he can't. It doesn't feel real anymore, he's glad he can be useful for once. He'll be staying behind so Dream and George can actually have fun. He'll be staying here to take care of the house and Patches and most importantly to not get in the way of a perfect relationship. One that he is better off not meddling in.

Sapnap had come to realize the only thing he did was cause people to worry over him. He was just a problem. George, Dream, they would be so much happier when he was out of the picture, he was sure of it. Or perhaps it was selfish to think that without asking them directly. But the gut feeling he had told him he was correct.  
  
Then he hears it.

"Gate 32C, your plane will begin boarding passengers shortly. Everyone please make your way to the gate as boarding begins."

Those sentences had determined Sapnap’s fate, a cruel one at that. Dream sighs and grabs hold of the backpack he has on. George is standing next to Dream, his blue suitcase held in his hand held tightly along with a small plastic bag in his other hand. He's dressed amazingly today, as he always was.

Sapnap marvels at how good he looks;

A blue fleece sweater with a white collar peeking out. The white clout glasses on his head are goofy. But it's just his look and Sapnap loves it, his dark brown hair is combed back and neatly in place. Hell who was he kidding? Both George and Dream looked attractive all the time. He on the other hand probably looked like a hot mess right now.  
  
Sapnap fails to use his brain as he blurts out what he’s thinking, something he rarely does anymore. “You guys look really nice today.”  
  
They both look at him and then muster some giggles. Are they laughing at him? It was stupid wasn’t it? He wished he’d kept qui-.  
  
George let’s go of his suitcase to pick Sapnap up in his arms. Sapnap immediately wants to flail and kick from instinct, but he knows that will be worse. In the end he relaxes, enjoying the only true body warmth he'll be getting for a while. 

“Thanks Sap, you look beautiful too just like you always do.” The words make Sapnap blush, but he doesn’t believe it. He’s not beautiful, George just doesn’t want him to feel bad.  
  
As George holds Sapnap in his arms the older male’s face grows blanch at a sudden realization, he says nothing but Dream can tell. Worry is written all over the brit's face, George gives Dream a look and mouths to him that he’ll tell him what he noticed on the plane. George tries to ignore it but he can’t, it scares him. It scares him to the point of wanting to say something about it, but he doesn’t.  
  
“You seem pretty light Sap. The food you've been eating must be going somewhere other than your stomach.” He teases and puts his hands on Sapnap’s ass. The gesture makes the Texan squeak.  
  
“Cut it out!” Sapnap replies. 

George had realized that the food hasn’t been going anywhere. Because Sapnap has been lying to them, but what can he say now to change what has been done? Later on he wishes he’d said something. Told Sapnap that he’d caught him, that he needed to eat.

It was possibly his biggest regret. He would never forget how dangerously light Sapnap felt when he'd picked him up.  
  
George almost decided to miss their entire flight to go buy Sapnap some food in the airport and watch to make sure he ate it. Another regret of his; not watching over Sapnap more carefully. Not being caring enough, he would feel so guilty when he found out what had become of his beloved.  
  
George puts Sapnap down and smoothes his shirt, the smile George is wearing seems smaller now. Sapnap’s too wrapped up in his head to notice the way George’s smile has faded. He had barely had enough time to pull on a white tee and some shorts to drive them to the airport. There was no way he didn't look terrible right now.  
  
Dream looks at him and winks slyly.  
  
“You don’t look too bad yourself cutie.”  
  
Again Sapnap feels slightly flustered but refuses to think that he could actually mean it. He looks terrible right now. At least he’s been sleeping enough to function everyday.

George reluctantly put him back down after another minute since they had to get going, leaving him soft a soft nuzzle to his neck.

Both Dream and George kiss each of Sapnap's cheeks. They’re about to leave him behind; both of them are about to make a terrible mistake by leaving Sapnap by himself.

Dream also made the mistake of not pressuring George to tell him what was wrong before they were about to take off. Maybe then they would have rushed back and prevented so many things. By the time the plane takes off all the two can do is shake it off and make sure to check up on Sapnap every single day.

Just another regret piling on top of others, things could have been so different. If only, if only they'd been more wary maybe things would have an alternative outcome. But it was too late now.  
  
  
  


The only thought running through Sapnap's head from the kisses is pity, pity, _pity._ They both turn and go into their respective line. Sapnap stands there awkwardly; watching them. He feels awfully out of place. Are people staring at him? Knots form in his stomach as he shifts his weight from foot to foot. People are definitely staring at him, they can see how much of a wreck he is.

How bad he wants to cry, how much he wants to beg Dream and George to stay here. Sapnap can feel panic constructing in his chest. He watches the loves of his life disappear into the corridor that will take them to the plane.

As soon as they're out of sight Sapnap makes a beeline out of the terminal. He feels light-headed, everyone can see him, he's so exposed, everyone's staring, they're staring at _him_. It's too much, it's too too much. 

Sapnap bursts out of the doors of the airport. He's free of the stares at last. There are other people out here, but he can care less as he dashes across the parking lot. Off in the distance is his car, he's so close. It's a struggle just to put one foot in front of the other, shackles are tied around his ankles, they must be. Otherwise why do his steps feel so undeniably big and heavy? On the other hand his nervous state of mind could be the problem.

Upon reaching his vehicle he fumbles with the keys in his jean pockets finally succeeding in taking them out. the small remote control for his car and clicks a button. There's a noise signaling the car had been unlocked, Sapnap tugs at the door handle. It opens and he climbs inside into the driver's seat.

_Stop, stop. Please just get out of my head._

He pleads with himself to calm down, his hand is shaky as he inserts the key into the ignition. He turns it with his hand and the engine comes to life. Sapnap sits there with his quivering hands on the steering wheel for what seems like eternity, shaking from the anxiety inside of him. 

The sweat under his arm, starting to form a patch around his pits. He leans his head forward onto the steering wheel and cries. He cries out what he cannot say; cries what he doesn't have the nerve to do, sobbing out what words could never explain, his choked whines were barely audible.

On his face was a forlorn expression, one he'd hid for days. Sapnap wondered what Dream and George would think if they were to see him like this. The thought made him cry harder. He sat there for hours until his eyes ran dry and his throat hurt. 

Until he could no longer sit there and wallow in this state. The sun was starting to dip over the horizon now, it would get dark soon.

His tears had begun to burn, the trails of them on his cheeks fresh and damp. His nose was red and stuffy, his eyes puffed out. He had needed that, to cry. To let it out for once. For bottling up emotions didn't do anyone good. So he had cried. Keeping the tears under wraps would be worse.

Sapnap always told himself bottling it up was better, but deep down he too knew it did more harm to him then any lethal poison. He closes his eyes, and prays. He prays that one day he can go back to being happy. Prays that one day George and Dream will love him as much as they once had.

He prays and prays that he shan't be his own demise. Yet how foolish of a prayer was that? For he would soon find out the worst kryptonite he had was indeed himself. It was almost silly for Sapnap to think he really was okay. He wasn't okay, he hadn't been in a while. To make things better the only two people he trusted and loved with all his heart had left.

He’d insisted they could go, but he didn't want them too. Sapnap tells himself it's fine, that things will be better this way but they won't be, he finally decided to shake it off and pill out of the parking spot.

The drive home is deadly silent. Well besides for when Sapnap starts to think.

Memories of when George would laugh after Dream made a joke plagued his mind. He recalled the way Dream would lean over from shotgun to kiss him gently on the lips.

Faintly in the back of his head it was there. The radio on low with some Pop songs none of them were interested in, AC blasted up on high to overcome the blazing Florida heat. How George would always complain about the temperature.

The memories were probably one of the only things keeping him sane. He can almost let himself think it's real, just for a few seconds. Dream would tease him for something and Sapnap would roll his eyes but blush nonetheless. George might even join in and do what he did when he was cocky; lean over from behind him usually and kiss his neck unexpectedly. It always caught Sapnap off guard no matter how prepared for it he was. The both of them; Dream and George had always gotten a kick out of him being embarrassed. 

He wants it back so badly, to go back to when he didn't see things. To go back to when he had an appetite. To when he didn't have the tendency to overthink about his weight, how he wishes he could return to the times where death wasn't on his mind constantly. That and the intoxication of his own thoughts.

Sapnap yearns to not have these doubts in others and himself anymore. But they're engraved into his mind, into his heart. It's endless, he wants to _disappear_ and he’s not sure anyone will care.  
  
His throat is parched from thirst, his arms feel weak on the steering wheel. He feels so weak and alone. Which he is and it’ll only be a matter of time until he’s no longer able to go on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tehe


	3. Alone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sapnap's completely alone now. Well unless you count hallucinations of demons as some form of company.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm honestly surprised this is doing as well as it has been, so I'm glad that people are enjoying it. :)

Sapnap fiddles with his keys again finding the house key. It's dark now, crickets around him are chirping their song. He slides the metal into the keyhole and turns it. The door clicks and opens, he goes inside closing the door behind him and locking it. 

Patches comes to greet him at the door, bounding over with movements like those of a graceful hare. She tilts her head up and meows at Sapnap. He laughs, cracking a smile, Patches used to hate him now the cat adored him, glued to him like she was glued to Dream. Sapnap pets her then proceeded to feed her some tuna in the kitchen to appease her hunger.

Afterwards he looks up at the clock on the kitchen wall. It reads 9:30, one of the hands moves ticking away at every second that passed.

" _How does it feel to be abandoned._ "

It's here again, but Sapnap has grown used to it after just these 2 days. "They didn't abandon me, I told them to go." The raven snaps at the creature without even needing to look at it. He knows it's behind him, taunting him. Finally he peeks around at it.

There it is, Abyss. Sitting on the table with its black legs crossed. It's leaning forward with it's elbow in it's thigh and arm up so Abyss can rest it's chin in his palm. The white eyes shimmer yet are nothing but empty. " _Have some spunk in you today eh?_ " Sapnap stifles the dry laughter in his chest. "No, far from it in fact." The creature laughs like it knows all the heartache the boy is going through. As if it can see the way Sapnap is beginning to crack from the pressure of having to do something as simple as breathe.

Abyss chuckles at him, Sapnap sighs and pulls out a chair, gazing at the beast.  
  
"What am I to do?" He asks, not sure what answer he was expecting.

" _You could always let go._ "  
  
It sends a shiver down Sapnap's spine. Letting go.

Would letting go really be alright?

Sapnap looks up at Abyss, it's white eyes are piercing him with a feeling that makes Sapnap want to scream. Even so his lips stay sealed and his heart is slowly becoming that way too.

" _S_ _o Sapnap, what **will** you do _?" The creature laughs at him mockingly.

"I don't know. I can't trust anyone anymore, I'm not even sure I can trust myself." The words are stone cold as Sapnap says them.

" _What a shame, you could always learn to trust me can you not?_ " A scoff leaves Sapnap as he looks at Abyss.

"Why on earth should I do that? You're far from looking trustworthy."

Abyss frowns and pretends to look upset. It brings a flimsy hand to its own forehead like in those cheesy dramas as an act of exaggeration.  
  
" _How could you be so mean to me Sapnap_." 

Sapnap kicks his feet under the table and rolls his eyes. After a few seconds Sapnap abandons the topic, he doesn't see much of a point in speaking of it. He had his question answered so he asked another. 

"I never asked, how do you and Radiance know my name?" Hearing it coming from his own mouth; _Radiance_. It leaves a strange sensation on his tongue and a tingling feeling in his toes. " _Well you see, Sapnap we are your demons. If that's any way to refer to us_."

Sapnap laughs at the thought, such a metaphor actually coming true, when he's done accepting the incredulous truth Abyss goes on. 

" _It's funny how the world works."_ There's a pause before Abyss continue. " _My job is to get you to trust me. Just as it is Radiance's job, we know many things about you because we have some insight on you. Not a lot but enough to let us do our jobs."_

What does that mean? Sapnap has a feeling he's about to be told so he sits still and quiet. " _We are made to gain your trust, with good or bad intentions._ " Abyss reaches forward a hand to touch Sapnap's locks of hair. It plays with his soft, black strands, it twists one around it's long finger.

As scary as Abyss looks something is drawing Sapnap closer. He sits still and allows Abyss to scoot closer to him on the table.

" _Do you mind if I keep going?_ " It asks and Sapnap shakes his head saying he doesn't mind at all.

Abyss takes the invitation, beginning to take Sapnap's hair in its hands. It styles it into a small little braid, sadly not having any sort of hair clip or rubber band to tie it. It goes on to start doing another braid next to it's already completed one.  
  
Sapnap can't help but wonder when a 'demon' had time to learn how to do hair, it seems like a rather odd thing to do. He doesn't decide to voice his question, closing his eyes to let the demon do it's work, it was soothing almost. To be touched by such nurturing(?) hands. How could something so menacing be so calming at the same time?

They sit in silence, the minutes creep by as they do. Patches sits at his feet under the table curled up and sleeping. Not wanting to wake the feline Sapnap sat unmoving from his position.

" _H_ _ow do you think they'll react when they find you in such a state?_ "

Sapnap figures he was speaking about George and Dream. He bitterly laughs, rubbing his temple as if he was in deep thought. "I don't know, disappointed? Upset that I never once went to them for help."

Sapnap wants to say more. He cuts himself off and takes in a shaky breath of air.

"Or maybe they'll think what my head keeps telling me; that they won't care at all." Speaking that sentence made Sapnap's heart ache with intensity he didn't know was possible.

He wonders what will become of him during this one week, as soon as he begins to think of it he stops. All he can see is death and sadness. Why is that all he sees? He's keeping distance between himself and the world. From everyone. He's positive it will be better that way.

Abyss hums tracing Sapnap's lips with one of its fingers. It's an odd feeling but not one he neglects, instead letting it happen. " _Is that so?_ ” Abyss doesn’t wait for an answer and continues.  
  
" _Alright, answer something else for me Sapnap. What are you looking forward to this next_ **_lonely_ ** _week?_ "

A practical joke; that was what the question had to be. But Abyss looks at him with curiosity, his heart sinks and his mind unravels at thinking about it.

"Nothing." He breathed out and true to his thoughts, his words are hollow. Abyss tsks and looks down.  
  
“ _How about you and me do something fun together? Radiance can come along too if they please._ " Sapnap blinks at Abyss. _Fun?_ with something that wasn’t even real?  
  
“What would we do for fun?” At this the black creature grins widely, its rows and rows of pointy teeth revealed. 

“S _omething dangerous of course, how about Skydiving! Or maybe swimming with Sharks!_ ”  
  
Abyss claps its hands together with glee, it’s distorted laugh reaching Sapnap’s ears as he bites his lip. Then another voice splits the air, more calming than that of Abyss. “ _D_ _on't be foolish Abyss, we aren’t trying to kill him, well I'm not_.”

Abyss lifts its head up to lock eyes with Radiance who has appeared behind Sapnap, it wraps its arms around Sapnap’s neck loosely. The male jumps and tilts his head back to look at it. 

It grins at Sapnap before removing it’s arms.  
  
_“Oh butt out Radiance. I don’t suppose you have any better idea as to what humans do for entertainment._ ” Abyss spats at the glowing beacon of light who cannot be bothered by such a tone. The argument unfolding before Sapnap will surely go downhill from here.  
  
“ _Of course I do! I actually try to learn about our precious human unlike you. I know for a fact that one of his greatest memories is going to the amusement park with Dream as their first date._ ” 

Sapnap’s face heat's up from the comment. It knows about that? Radiance waves it’s finger around in the air in triumph. Abyss huffs in it’s defeat, Radiance speaks up to Sapnap. "How _does that sound Sap? We can go to the amusement park_!” 

Sapnap thought back to that day with Dream, it had been so much fun. They’d laughed and played so many games together.  
  
He wants times like those back, when he didn’t have a care in the world. He stares at Radiance. When was the last time he admitted something that he truly wanted? Something that would bring him some form of joy?

That was something he didn’t know but Radiance seemed to be asking Sapnap what he wanted so genuinely.  
  
“Sure l-let’s do it sometime.” Radiance whoops and Abyss grouses before taking a look at Radiance. “ _I’m just letting you know, I’m only doing this because the kid wants to._ ”  
  
“Hey I am not a kid!” Sapnap huffs, looking towards Abyss with an expression of defense.  
  
Abyss would be rolling its eyes right now if it had pupils, instead there’s merely an audible scoff. It hops off the table and bounds over to Radiance who laughs in spite. Abyss pokes at Radiance who hisses, slapping it’s hand away as a comeback.  
  
“You guys are like a married couple.” Sapnap huffs, getting two vigorous glares in return. He puts his hands up laughing sarcastically. “Uh- I was just kidding.” He quickly adds to save himself from the stares. And back to bickering Abyss and Radiance go as Sapnap sits there.  
  
After a while of brainstorming he decides to schedule an appointment with a doctor, now that Dream and George are gone there is no way they would know. He takes out his phone, punching the number into the keypad. 

Oddly enough he remembered the doctor’s office number.  
  
Sapnap hears the voice of a woman who must be managing the front desk today. “Hello, I hope you’re d-doing.-” Sapnap didn’t remember speaking to people being so difficult.  
  
Swallowing hard hard he finds his voice again going on. “I hope you’re doing well, I’d like to make an appointment for Thursday this week.”  
  
“Yes certainly, what’s your name?” The lady asks as Sapnap hears the click-clack of the keys on a keyboard. No doubt busy and ready to give Sapnap his appointment. He tries to make it quick so as to not waste her time.  
  
“Sapnap.” He says his first name then gives his last to which she hums in approval.  
  
“Is a 9 am appointment alright?”  
  
“That’s just fine, thank you.”  
  
“Will do have a good day.”  
  
“You too.”  
  
The line goes dead as the woman hangs up. Sapnap holds the phone in his hand with a tight grip. His grip when his hand starts to ache from it.  
  
Sapnap had only started obsessing over being overweight a month ago. After around a week he’d begun rarely eating. Nowadays he might eat half an apple, or a small fruit twice a week and leave it at that. If he was feeling bold he might even eat some chips. Always eating just enough from him to have the strength to still move everyday. But at this rate his body was sure to give out soon.  
  
The reason he’d started to fear that he was gaining more weight was pretty saddening if you asked him. He’d gotten a dm on social media from someone, it had only been to body shame him. What was even worse to him was that it’d been someone who he’d known from highschool. He’d taken down the only and few pictures he’d had of himself on his Instagram account and became completely inactive.  
  
He remembers wondering what he could have done to deserve it, thinking ‘Why him, why now?’  
  
Sapnap looks up, breaking his own thought process to see that both Abyss and Radiance have disappeared. He hadn't even noticed their absences too engulfed in his mind. How ignorant could he be? The sweat that had accumulated in his armpits was finally starting to smell foul.  
  
He should shower before he allows the filth to build up more. He stands on his feet and goes up to his room. The house is quiet without Dream or George here, he hates to think about how much he misses them already.  
  
Patches follows him upstairs and creeps into his room right before he shuts the door.  
  
Sapnap peels his clothing off, and dunks them into a small dirty laundry basket in the corner of his room. That also reminds him. When was the last time he'd done his laundry? He adds it to his list of things to try and do in the next few days and sighs.  
  
He walks over to the dresser in his room, with a large vanity mirror as a headboard on it. He stares at himself in the mirror. _Thanks Sap, you look beautiful too, just like you always do._ He thinks back to George’s words and smiles sadly. George was obviously telling Sapnap a white lie, but it was okay.  
  
Pity was an emotion he felt for himself too after all.  
  
Wrapping his arms around his torso, Sapnap stares at his reflection. He looks so lethargic and frail, he wonders when he’d started looking that way as he opens up a drawer and grabs a pair of comfortable fuzzy pants.  
  
Along with it a short sleeved shirt made of thin material and lastly a pair of boxers to sleep in. He dares to look at himself again. _You don’t look too bad yourself Sap._ That was what Dream said. By not too bad he must have meant horrendous. 

Surely he of all people couldn’t look good in such a state.  
  
Sapnap forces his eyes away from the mirror, away from the image of himself. Staring at the reflection will only bring him sorrow of what he’s become. Sapnap steps back from the dresser and towards the door. Opening it, leaving it open a crack in case Patches wants to exit before trudging to the bathroom. Proceeding to swing open the door and flick on the light switch he’s showered in light yellow from a bulb above on the ceiling.  
  
The cold causes him to shiver as he turns on the bathroom fan, putting his clothes down onto the toilet lid. Drawing back the curtain with one swift motion Sapnap stares at the empty bathtub. Had he been expecting someone to be inside? Honestly with all the things he's been seeing he wouldn't be surprised if there had been someone there.

Sapnap steps into the tub and sighs closing the curtain behind him; It's littered with sunflowers as a design. The petals are a vibrant yellow. If happiness was a color he assumed it would be something similar to it.

He turns, looking at the showerhead and the handle above the tubs' spout.  
  
It's quiet, too quiet.  
  
He steps back out of the bathroom and downstairs naked. He grabs his phone from the counter and steps back up the stairs. He closes the door behind him once again and unlocks his phone.

There on the screen he sees a text from George around an hour and a half ago.  
  
  
Gogy _ **  
**_**the plane is taking off me and Dream are gonna**  
**miss u make sure to eat  
**  
  
There's a photo attached and Sapnap hovers over the cropped image. He takes in the features he can see, half of George's face with a frown display. Basically the embodiment of the ':[' face. Staring at it makes his lips curl into a depressing smile.

He clicks open the image and can see George fully now with Dream seated next to him. He has his head resting lightly on George's shoulder frowning too. He's making wide puppy eyes. They both look so sad without him. Are they really that upset over the fact that he's not there? He wonders how he would look if he was with them in that picture. He doubts they'd really be that happy. He wishes he could be there. Desire creeps up his spine.

Better to not dwell on something he can't have anymore.

Sapnap stares at the picture for a few more seconds, taking in the way Dreams eyes are squinting at the camera. How the glasses on George's head look like they could fall off any minute. The small airplane window by George that gives him a view of the sky.

He decides it's enough, that he can't do it a second longer.

Sapnap responds quickly after closing the image out. Staring at it too long would give him grief he didn't want to deal with at the moment.  
  
  
Me  
**ill miss you guys too :(** **  
** Delivered  
  
  
With that Sapnap closes out of messages and opens up Spotify. He scrolls through his playlists and laughs at the irony for the first song that comes on when he finally chooses one.

Kill Yourself (Part III) - $uicideBoy$

Setting his phone on the top of the toilet he climbs back into the shower. He turns the water on, waiting for the heat to increase, the more the better. The lyrics start to play and Sapnap revels in hearing it start to play.

_It's not fair, I found love_

The water goes steaming and Sapnap pulls the small machinery on the spout to let the water travel from it to the shower head. The water comes raining down like hot bullets. It comes down on his skin and he winces from the heat. He immediately changes his mind and brings his hand to hastily turn the water all the way to the big blue C.

_It made me say, "Now get back"_

Within a few seconds he's blessed by freezing cold drops of water upon his skin. He closes his eyes and stands there for a few seconds simply taking it all in. Sapnap had needed something to fill the silence but now he wished it would all go away, it was making him feel out of order.

_You'll never see daylight if I'm not strong_

_It just might_

_It's not fair, I found love_

The small beads of water drip down his chest and down below him. Each drop is like a small, ice crystal jabbing at his flesh. It doesn't bother him though, in fact he's not bothered by it in the slightest. He can't be when almost nothing matters anymore.

 _It made me say, "Now get back"_

His breathing is heavy, his head is pounding again. There's roaring in his ears, like that of a storm. Or maybe he could compare it to vacuum cleaners. Either one would suffice, he panics and covers his ears trying to make it go away.

It doesn't.  
  
But something else appears, it forces Sapnap to wrench his eyes open. There on the tip of his nose is a white butterfly. It doesn’t seem to be affected by the water as it rests there. Sapnap is surprised that he doesn’t hear the music at all anymore. It disappears right along with the roaring in his ears. The butterfly is still there. Bright like a small night light, it seems to be sparkling before him. It tickles his nose before it’s gone leaving nothing but the sound of the running water.  
  
Sapnap is quite curious as to why the music isn’t playing, he knew he was hallucinating but could he really be so out of it that he wasn’t hearing things anymore? Well he had started hearing other things so maybe beginning to not hear was also just a part of it. He’s too lazy to get out of the shower dripping wet.  
  
Instead he refocuses his hand to the edge of the tub where a bottle of shampoo is. He picks it up with his eyes on the label, it’s supposed to smell of Lavender. Uncapping the bottle he takes a whiff, it does indeed smell of something very sweet and floral.  
  
Sapnap’s not sure if he would describe it as lavender scented, but it calms him down. He lets his tense muscles ease down a bit. He squeezes the shampoo in his hand, the purple color being the center of his world right now — at least it seemed the way with how he stared at it.  
  
Bringing both his hands together to try and distribute it evenly he washes his hair and massages his scalp, — the cold water is making his teeth start to chatter. He focuses on gently getting the shampoo thoroughly into his hair. After he’s done he moves to grab an unscented bar of soap and wet it. It’s slippery in his hands, he makes sure his grip is loose as to not have it flying out of his hands. He lathers it all over a loofah hanging on a small hook on the wall then using it to scrub his body. Sapnap lets his mind drift to something happy and something that will distract him for a while.  
  
He recalls his conversation from earlier with Radiance.  
  
And that gives him a genius memory to think about, surely it’ll make him smile, maybe just maybe it'll even lift his spirits a little. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to make text message a lot more realistic looking like in a format I mean, but the way it would be formatted correctly on a pc wasn't formatted correctly on mobile and vice versa so it doesn't exactly look the way I wanted it do but ehhh.
> 
> Anyways hope you have a good day <3


	4. Change is Scary, Love is Astounding

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sapnap comes to terms with some long unspoken feelings, and gets asked out on his first date.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> flashback time, by the way *** is for a time-skip in a flashback :]

“What—?”  
  
“Did I say something weird? Or was it too quiet?” Dream responds to Sapnap’s confused state, his cheeks are dusted with a light hue of pink. He looks like he wants to crawl into a hole and die there. His hands are shoved deep into the pants of his pockets and he barely manages to keep eye contact with Sapnap while speaking to him.  
  
“No! I’m just trying to make sure I heard you right. I don’t want to embarrass you though.” Sapnap is hesitant as he speaks, trying to figure out how he can not make this so awkward, he'd never seen Dream this embarrassed about anything the whole 3 years they'd been friends.  
  
Dream clears his throat standing up straight, his light golden hair is slightly fluffed. The green hoodie he has on goes down to his hips, the blush on his face is terribly visible and Sapnap can only imagine the state of his own expression.  
  
“It’s okay if you want to say no, I did already ask. So I guess saying it a second time shouldn’t be too bad.” Dream says twisting the hem of his hoodie with one of his hands nervously.  
  
It looked more like Dream had committed a crime and was going to trust Sapnap with the secret rather than what he was really trying to ask him.  
  
Dream inhales, closing his eyes. “I was wondering if you want to go to the amusement park together this weekend.”  
  
This was certainly louder than the first time he’d said it and as if he hasn’t already heard the words Sapnap is dumbfounded.  
  
Was Dream asking him out on a date?  
  
Sapnap tugs at the collar of his shirt nervously, gulping down a lump in his throat. He wants to go, he really does. But how does he say that? Just simple yes would do the trick but Sapnap couldn’t seem to speak. It seemed like Dream was going to burst out into tears at any minute with each second of silence that passed.  
  
  
**. . .**  
  
  
  
“GREEN.”  
  
Dream stares up at Sapnap blinking at him befuddled as he frowns. Out of pure shock Sapnap had blurted out the first thing on his mind, which was the color of Dream’s eyes. His face immediately heats up before he starts to rant. “Sorry about that I was just staring at your eyes and I was really nervous. And your eyes were green, so I said the first thing I was thinking about, which was your eyes. I mean I wasn’t staring at your eyes that much! Not to say that they’re ugly they’re really cute, I mean — ”  
  
Sapnap gives up on talking, burying his face in his hands. He and Dream had been hanging around each other since middle school but this was the first time Dream had ever shown any sign of romantic interest, well he was just inferring that it was a date with how flustered Dream seemed to be when asking him. Sapnap certainly _hoped_ it was a date, more than he wanted to admit even.  
  
His heart was hammering in his chest rapidly. _Ba-thump, ba-thump._ Dream is staring at him wide-eyed looking as bent out of shape as Sapnap was about his feelings.  
  
“But uhm— I do want to go to the amusement park with you Dream.”

"That's great, I’m uh, really glad."

Dream looks overjoyed; he still messes with the hem of his shirt while looking at Sapnap with a joyous expression.  
  
“And I think you’re cute too Sap.”  
  
_Ba-thump, ba-thump._ _  
_ _  
_ He bites his lip before asking Dream one more thing.  
  
“So is... is it going to be a date?” Sapnap asks and is met with a face mixed with shock but relief.  
  
“Do you want it to be...because it can be.”  
  
“I would like that.”  
  
Dream grins at him, it’s uplifting to Sapnap as he stands there watching his friend so happy. “Okay then, it’s a date. See ya then?”  
  
“Yeah, but uh, aren’t we walking home together dude?” The ravenette says back.  
  
Dream rubs the back of his head with his hand laughing coyly.  
  
“Yeah I totally didn’t forget about that.” Sapnap isn’t convinced, but he isn’t in the mood to tease his friend.  
  
Dream had asked the raven to meet him at the old elementary school playground for something right after class to tell him something so the both of them had yet to go to their lockers. Since Dream was in a grade above him their lockers were located in two seperate buildings.  
  
The same was true for most of their classes but they were lucky enough to have some electives together.  
  
“I’ll meet you at the front of school?” Dream asks still slightly blushing  
  
“Yeah and uh let’s not ever talk about me randomly shouting green out loud.”  
  
Dream already has a little bit of his perkiness back, which is obvious by the following response. “Oh why not? It was pretty nice seeing you all flustered. I never see you like that.”  
  
“You’re one to talk! You were blushing so hard.”  
  
“How could I not be! I was asking my crush out on a date, I was really nervous.”  
  
They bicker for a few more minutes as they make their way back towards the school. Sapnap argues that Dream could never tease him for that because they had both been just as embarrassed while Dream keeps pressing on saying he’ll never let Sapnap forget it for as long as he lives.  
  
But one thing was for sure, the air around them wasn’t so dense anymore. Earlier they’d both been awkward and Sapnap had hated it. He’d never felt that strange around Dream, but then again he’d never thought he’d like his best friend in _that way_ either. Well did he actually like him? That was something he actually still had to determine. He did have to admit that whenever he and Dream together he would feel sparks every time they so much as brushed hands together.  
  
And the way Dream always smiled at him was sure to give him a stroke one day. Man he sounded madly in love like some sort of schoolgirl. It made him cringe and scrunch up his nose at the thought, okay so maybe he did like Dream. The bigger question was how had he not realized it?  
  
Maybe it was the idea that Dream had always been his friend so he'd filtered out the possibility of ever seeing him as something more, it was the only reasonable option surfacing his his head.  
  
He had to admit Dream had been right about one thing, he was never as flustered as he had been just now. If anything he was always joking around with Dream, even occasionally flirting. He was never one to stutter much less ramble on about something. Dream wasn’t either but Sapnap could still recall a few times when his older friend had blushed at a remark thrown by the younger. Sapnap had never blushed like he just did, he was positive Dream had taken a whole mental document on it just to remind him of it later.  
  
As they’re about to part ways to their separate building Sapnap tugs at Dreams arms and the taller male stops in his tracks. “Hm?”  
  
“Dream if we uh—” He cuts off not having thought it would be so difficult to get it off his mind. He manages to finish his sentence.  
  
“If we ever become..an item, things won’t change right? We’ll still be playful and shove each other around like we do now and call each other idiots and stuff, well i mean I know some things will change but...”  
  
The question catches Dream off guard but it doesn’t take long for his lips to curl into a small, feeble smile.  
  
“No of course not, I promise—” Dream’s voice is soft and serious before returning to his usual playful and flirtatious tone. “But of course I wouldn’t be calling you Sapnap all the time and I might be kissing you a lot too.” He teases and Sapnap groans, hastily letting go of Dream’s arm.  
  
“Whatever, fuck off. I’m gonna go get my stuff.”  
  
Dream makes an exaggeration of waving his hand, winking at Sapnap. “Alright.”  
  
Dream has to admit he is slightly scared, he’s only ever been in love one other time. And that hadn’t ended well for him, now it was with his best friend. He was afraid he’d mess things up, but they’d always been sort of flirty with each other. Could they still keep doing it and have it just being taken as casual banter? Not that he would care but would Sapnap be okay with that?  
  
He hopes their date tomorrow can tell him some of those things and how to know when it’s too much. He wanted to do this slowly, screwing things up was not an option. It'd taken weeks to work up the courage to ask Sapnap out on a date, it’d been a miracle he’d said yes. Dream had honestly been expecting to be blown off completely but Sapnap had wanted it to be a date.  
  
That had been the real deal breaker.  
  
It made Dream’s heart soar up into the clouds where it slowly floated back down, it made him feel light in a tipsy way. Once arriving at his locker he opened it up, grabbing textbooks out of his locker and shoving them lazily into his backpack, he closed his locker with a slight _wham_.Mostly everyone was gone by now, it was well past classes. Only people staying for clubs were sure to still be here. Dream holds tightly onto one of his backpack straps after swinging it over his shoulder before walk down the hall. He rushes and takes a left to the door that will lead him out front. Dream opens the glass double doors, feeling the fresh Spring air hit his face.  
  
Now, he waits.  
  
Meanwhile Sapnap is still at his locker carefully putting his books into his bag and zipping it up. His heart is still pounding and his hands are shaking. He’d never felt this way before, it felt good but frightening. He closes his locker gently and leans his forehead on it for a few seconds.  
  
Had he really been in love with Dream all this time and never realized it?  
  
Sapnap remembered when he had almost tripped and fell down the stairs rushing to class one day. Dream had seized his hands, stopping his fall in the nick of time. His friend had pulled him upwards and in the swift motion he was suddenly facing Dream, their faces were a few inches apart and they’d both stared at each other for a few seconds.  
  
Dream had been the one to back away, the tips of his ears slightly red. He had apologized before telling the male he’d catch him later after school. Sapnap remembered standing there a few minutes even after the final bell, still in awe. He also remembered thinking that they could have kissed then thinking how trivial that was before sprinting off to class coming up with an excuse as to why he was late.  
  
It seemed like a far off memory now but suddenly it was the only thing Sapnap could think about. How soft Dream’s lips looked, how they would have felt if he'd tipped his head forward and pressed his own onto them.  
  
His breath catches in his throat as he thinks about it. This was really giving him all sorts of butterflies in his stomach, banging his head against the locker once then twice trying to knock himself out of whatever trance he's in Sapnap stands up straight before picking up his bag and slumping it over one shoulder before dashing off.  
  
The speed he’s running makes him forget what he’d been thinking about. Exiting the 9th grade building, he looks to his right where Dream is already standing by the door waiting for him at the building he'd come from.  
  
Darting off towards him only coming to a halt a few feet away from his friend, his black hair a little messy from the wind catching it when he ran.  
  
“You ready?” Dream asks.  
  
“Yeah, let’s go.”  
  
With that they both start walking and are soon on the sidewalk blocks away from school. They don’t talk about much besides how both of their days were, then the topic of conversation they were both reluctant of mentioning came up.  
  
“Is it okay if my mom comes and picks you up early tomorrow? Like around 11 am? I want us to be able to have almost the whole day to have fun.”  
  
Sanap nods, cursing himself internally for not replying with acutal words. He’s a little anxious about tomorrow, no he was _extremely_ anxious about tomorrow. He’s never been on a date, what should he wear? What if he says something stupid to embarrass himself and Dream doesn’t like him anymore.  
  
All the sudden he feels a hand on his shoulder and he jumps, he looks to se it’s none other than Dream looking at him with soft eyes.  
  
“Listen Sap, tomorrow lets just be ourselves okay? Just because it’s a date doesn’t mean we’re not going to be having a killer time.”

Sapnap needed to hear those words. He nods and calms down letting the tight grip he’d had on one of the straps of his bag loosen. Dream gives him a reassuring thumbs up before he stops, Sapnap stopping with him, they're standing in front of Dream's two-story house. His friend lived in a sort of posh neighborhood and Sapnap always hated coming here, he'd get strange looks every time.  
  
An outsider is what he must have looked like, his clothes weren't the nicest nor did his hair didn't gleam when the sun hit it. Sapnap had manners of course but he didn't come from a rich family. Maybe that's why he always felt so intimidated by Dream's neatly mown grass and hedgerows that were trimmed to perfection, the way his house appeared to have always be freshly painted, not a single chip or crack in the work. Even the windows seemed squeaky clean and glinted whenever the light him them right.  
  
This time is no different then the other few times he's been here. Feeling like he didn't belong, does he really deserve Dream?  
  
He's snapped from his thoughts when Dream speaks waving to him. “So I’ll see you tomorrow morning.”  
  
“Okay, I can’t wait.” Sapanp falters his smile still slightly crooked and nervous as Dream laughs and walks up the steps to his house.  
  
“Don’t lose sleep over it Sap, it’ll be fine just be who you always are. That’s who I fell in love with after all.”  
  
The way Dream says those words so casually makes Sanap want to explode, a fierce blush is back on his face as he turns and keeps walking as fast as his feet would take him. His heart is racing once again as he quickens his pace, the durable grip on his backpack strap is back. Now he wanted to get out of there for more then just feeling like an outlier in the luxurious neighborhood.  
  
Differing from Sapnap's assumption Dream was not calm whatsoever after what he'd just uttered, if anything he was a mess.  
  
The only thing he was mumbling to himself while walking into his home was “ _Why did I say that, why did I say that, why oh fuck did I say that.”  
  
_  
  
* * *  
  
  
The next morning Sapnap can’t stop his knee from bouncing up and down from anxiety, he’s dressed in a white short-sleeved shirt that cut off to second black sleeves making for a long-sleeved shirt and a pair of simple denim jeans. This was his favorite shirt and that was exactly why he’d worn it.  
  
Every second Sapnap had to remind himself that this was no big deal, they'd just be hanging out. Dream had said it himself, they didn't have to act like it was a date, even with those words Sapnap was a mess. He was always usually confident about everything but this, this was different. So, _so_ different.  
  
Sapnap hadn't gotten a wink of sleep, he'd been up until one am picking out clothes to wear and when he'd finally snuggled under his covers sleep never came. The ceiling was practically his spectacle since it was the only thing he stared at.  
  
His nerves still haven't settled down, what if he underdressed? Or overdressed? Was Dream going to dress up?  
  
Well they were just going to the amusement park but anything was possible.  
  
Sapnap's mother is in the kitchen prepping lunch for herself and his father humming a soft song. Sapnap was sitting in a chair at the table with his hands entangled together in his lap.  
  
“You have fun okay Sap?” She says in such a sweet voice that would usually have Sapnap calm, but he couldn't be calm right now.  
  
He’d told his mother he was going on a date with someone. He hadn’t failed to mention it was a boy but his mom didn’t even give a reaction about the gender. She'd simply beamed at him and told him she was really happy for him. Sapnap couldn’t have been more relieved with such a response. Now he’s just anxiously awaiting the knock on the door, he runs his thumb over his index finger over and over again as some form of a coping mechanism for his nerves.  
  
When he finally hears the knock on the door it startles him. His mom wipes her hand down on a towel walking towards the door, she opens it, Sapnap sees Dream’s mother there. The two women conversate for a little before Sapnap hears Dream’s voice from behind her.  
  
“Mom! C’mon, we have to get there at a good time.”  
  
“Yes, yes I’m coming hunny.” She waves a hand behind her as she and Sapnap’s mother exchange a few more words. Sapnap stands from the chair and shuffles over, hesitantly extending his hand which Dream’s mother shakes.  
  
“Ah! Sapnap, it’s wonderful to see you dear. You wouldn’t believe how thrilled I was to hear Dream finally asked you out. I was starting to think he might never do it.”  
  
“Moomm stop that! You’re embarrassing me.” Dream says in a whiny voice to which his mother sighs.  
  
“Well let’s get going, I’ll drop him off here at around 7 pm if that’s alright with you Miss Nap.” She says to which Sapnap’s mother nods shooing Sapnap along.  
  
“Yes, yes it’s fine. Have fun Sapnap and call me if you need anything okay?”  
  
Sapnap nods his head as Dream’s mom lets go of his hand and walks towards her car. Dream is standing in the grass which Sapnap can now clearly see that the doorway is unoccupied. He steps outside, staring at him — he doesn’t know if it’s because it’s his first time looking at him like his date and not a friend or if it's the sunrise illuminating his entire figure. But fuck does he look handsome standing there in a gray T-shirt with a green jacket over it. His blonde combed back hair looks like liquid gold in the sunlight and the dimple present in his facial features as he smiles at Sapnap, it's all so _perfect_.  
  
He walks towards him as he hears the front door shut behind him and he stops in front of Dream who is tucking some loose strands of hair behind his ear and grinning at him.  
  
“Hey Sap, you look nice.” Dream says to which Sapnap rolls his eyes.  
  
“Thanks Prince Charming, you look good too I suppose.” He hopes he isn't giving himself away because by 'I suppose' he meant indefinitely, but he wouldn't admit that over his dead body.  
  
“Psh, you know you like it.” Dream shoots him finger guns to which Sapnap laughs and walks past him and opens the door to the back.  
  
“I’ll ride next to you.” Dream offers, giving Sapnap the urge to protest against it. he stops himself after thinking how ridiculous that would be. They always sit next to each other when Dream’s mom takes them somewhere. Why would he object it now? He simply nods at Dream, climbing into the car nearly stepping on a coloring book. There’s also a baby bottle and a small box of crayons which Sapnap carefully steps over to sit down on the opposite side at the window seat behind Dream’s mom who had already climbed into the driver’s seat.  
  
“Sorry about the mess, I haven’t cleaned up.” She says with a tired tone and turns the keys in the ignition to start up the vehicle. Sapnap shakes his head as he buckles his seatbelt.  
  
“It’s alright.”  
  
Dream climbs in to sit right next to him, to where their legs are touching. Even though it’s just pure coincidence it makes Sapnap jump as Dream looks at him while putting on his seat belt.  
  
“You good?”  
  
“Mhm, there was a speck of dust on my hand is all.”  
  
Dream laughs before putting a hand on Sapnap’s head and ruffling his hair. The latter huffs and lifts both his hands up to remove Dreams.  
  
“Cut it out idiot.” He argues while Dream continues to try and mess up his hair. Sapnap knows Dream told him to be himself but for some reason he can’t bring himself to meet Dream’s eyes without feeling funny. It was odd and unsettling, he’d never had a problem with it before.  
  
The whole ride there Dream and Sapnap are playfully wrestling with each other without getting out of their seatbelts. Even though Sapnap had felt tense at first he’d relaxed after a while and enjoyed himself. It was just like it always was, them spending time together, teasing each other. They were both careful as to not flirt for obvious reasons, it was like an unspoken agreement for now.  
  
In just half an hour Dream’s mom is dropping them off and telling them both to call her if they need something. Then she drives off to go shopping at a mall no more than 4 blocks over. Dream and Sapnap are left there standing at the entrance to the fair.  
  
Dream has two passes in his hand and hands one to Sapnap. Now that it’s just the two of them it seems to finally dawn over Sapnap that they’re really on a date right now. He liked the idea but it was nerve wracking at the same time. He hopes he doesn’t say anything stupid while they were here or _does_ anything stupid for that matter.  
  
Once they’re inside having bought 25 ride tickets Dream looks around surveying all the rides, it’s not too busy for a Saturday morning but it’ll probably get busier later one.  
  
“Is there anything you want to ride in particular Sapnap?”  
  
“Hell yeah! A roller coaster for sure.” He says slightly bouncing up and down as Dream laughs knowingly.  
  
“Somehow I knew you’d say that, you’re so predictable.” Sapnap isn’t sure if that's a good or a bad thing but he doesn’t bother to ask.  
  
“We’ll probably do a roller coaster later, are you sure you’re even tall enough for us to ride one?” He says in a singsong tone that makes Sapnap stick out his tongue.  
  
“Yes I am! I’ve been on one before so shut up.”  
  
“Okay, okay. Well how about we go on the carousel?”  
  
“Boringgg.” Sapnap whines as they stand off to the side of the entrance looking at the map they’d grabbed before coming inside.  
  
“Oh come on now, please? For me?” Dream asks him with puppy dog eyes which he knows Sapnap can’t resist. He sighs and nods his head before his older friend puts his hands up in victory.  
  
“Well let’s get going, it's on the other side of the park.” Dream instinctively grabs onto Sapnap’s hand as they usually did, but this time it felt different. It shouldn’t have, yet it sent a signal to his brain causing alarms to go off, making his palms clammy and mind cluttered with nothing but the slow cycle of trying to process what was happening.  
  
Dream looks over at him, his lips pressed firmly together.  
  
“Are you okay?”  
  
“Yeah, I just- I’ve never been on a date _and_ we’re holding hands. Not that I don’t like it! Please don’t let it go. I know we've held hands before so it shouldn’t feel weird. It does though, it feels like we’ve never done it, but we have.”  
  
Sapnap slightly rambles as Dream looks at him smiling ever so tenderly.  
  
“This is exactly why I haven't done a bunch of other things Sap. We can take this as slow as you want, we’re just here to have fun it doesn’t even have to feel like a date. Just knowing it is one makes me really happy.”  
  
The words soothe Sapnap and he takes in a sharp breath nodding, closing his eyes. “Okay, thanks Dream.”  
  
“Of course Sap, now let's go!”  
  
The taller teen grins down at him before he starts walking and tugging Sapnap along behind him. While they stroll through the park Sapnap glances all around him at the other rides and booths of carnival games. Everything looks so fun, he hadn’t been to the amusement park in a long while so to be here with Dream and on a date at that truly did feel special, it made him all warm and tingly from the tips of his fingers to his toes.  
  
Dream is staring ahead of them as they walk while Sapnap marvels at everything around him, at some point he finally focuses back towards where they are. He can see the carousel in the distance as it goes round and round. His eyes find their way to the back of Dreams head where he keeps them until they get there.  
  
The line is fairly short for the group of people, there are maybe 11 people in front of them which means they’d make it in the next group for sure. In the meantime Sapnap finds himself also wanting to ride the Ferris wheel for a very specific reason. It was possibly the first time he'd done something so stereotypical, but hey he was having a lot of firsts today. Sapnap wanted to do it last, he felt like it would be special that way. 

"Hey Dream, can we make sure the final ride we go on is the Ferris wheel?"

"Sure we can do that." Dream says, smiling and squeezing Sapnap's hand. He hadn't even realized they'd still been doing it. The whole way to the ride Dream had held his hand.  
  
He tries to not start panicking and bites down hard on his tongue, it keeps him quiet from saying anything stupid.

But Sapnap doesn't have to say something dopey because Dream does it for him.

"Your hand is really warm." As soon as Dream says it he blushes, it seemed that it was something he'd accidentally thought aloud.

"U-uh I meant..." He tries to recover but Sapnap decides he doesn't mind. It makes his insides all hot and fuzzy but it isn't a bad thing. It's just new, it's a change. And change can be scary, but with Dream he felt he could do it, that he could grow accustomed to things like these and enjoy them without being alarmed.

"No, it's okay, Dream. Your hand is really warm too, I like it that way." He mutters back sheepishly.

"Sapnap are you sure you're okay with all of this? Again I want to take things slow, I know this is really new for the both of us."

Sapnap was usually impulsive, fortunately he wasn't stupid. This was unknown territory for the both of them but they were willing to slowly creep over it, like walking over a flimsy bridge where one wrong step could leave you plummeting to your death.

They were willing to take the risk of gently pressing their foot down on one of the planks on the bridge. To test if it was safe or if it should be avoided at all costs, a dangerous journey but with each other they weren't all that apprehensive of it.

Dream squeezes Sapnap's hand again and Sapnap cautiously leans his head over to rest on Dream's upper arm. The other tenses up at first, but then relaxes. It's nice to have the warmth and touch, Dream seems to think so too. The carousel stops and lets off the current people and soon the line starts to move.

Other people are being let on, and before long it's Dream and Sapnap's turn.

A woman stands at a small gate taking tickets from people and looks to Sapnap and Dream holding her hand out. "A ticket each please." Each of the boys hand her one ticket then stuff the rest into their pockets before walking along. 

Dream looks down at him like he wants to say something, instead he looks down at the ground.

"Hey Sap?" He asks and Sapnap hums in recognition, looking around trying to find what animal catches his interest.

"Do you want to ride one together?" It's a question that Dream was obviously hesitant about asking. Looking at the size of all the different animals he bites his lip at what he realizes. That if they were to do that, they'd be close together, pressed up against each other. But if it's with Dream then it's okay, right?

"S-sure, which one do you wanna ride?"

Dream reaches out his arm to direct at a creamy white colored horse a few feet away from them. To match it's coat it has a light chocolate brown mane, and a long pole going through it’s middle, the pole is gold with a spiral-like design. All the other people are starting to settle down and Sapnap doesn't want to have to be waited on so he nods and they both step up onto the carousel.

When approaching the horse Dream tells him to get on first so Sapnap does. He puts one foot up on a peg sticking out to assist him getting up onto the horse. He swings one leg over the other side, sliding onto the horse with each. Once he feels Dream get on as well, he stiffens a little.

He's so close, he can feel Dream breath on his neck, it makes him shudder. Sapnap wraps his hands around the pole while it's announced that the ride is about to start. Then all the sudden he feels two arms wrap around his waist.

They're loose and careful, just resting on his thighs.

"Too much?" Dream mumbles to him close to his ear, it makes him shiver from the feeling of his breath. Again it feels so strange but it also feels so _right._

Sapnap shakes his head proceeding to move his hands from the pole to reluctantly hold each of Dreams. He feels the other tense up at this. Sapnap feels like he might have taken it too far but then Dream leans his head forward to rest his chin gently on Sapnap's shoulder. His heart is thumping so hard in his chest he’s sure Dream and everyone else can hear it. The ride starts up and soft orchestra-like music begins to play.  
  
They go round and round in a circle, but Sapnap can’t focus on anything with Dream so close to him. Every time the other so much as shifted his weight or so moved one of his fingers Sapnap noticed it, hyper aware of everything Dream did. He can also barely hear the music and doesn’t notice when it stops. His heart is drumming in his chest, sending the boisterous noise to his ears.  
  
“Sap the ride’s over.” Dream says and Sapnap releases his friends'(?) hands to let him get off, which he does with ease. Dream looks up at Sapnap extending a hand. Sapnap looks at it blinking in confusion before realizing Dream was offering to help him down.  
  
His face burns from not having come to that conclusion sooner as he takes it and gets off of the horse.  
  
“Man you look like a cherry, was us doing that really getting you that worked up?” Dream attempts to tease Sapnap but if anything his tone sounds scared, like maybe they’d just stepped on a board of the bridge and nearly fallen through. They both walk around to reach the exit, taking their leave from the ride. Sapnap stays silent through the process, he doesn’t know what to say but he knows he’s blushing.  
  
“I-I I no I just...this is so new to me Dream, it’s not that I don’t like it, it’s just so _different_ but it’s a good kind of different. I liked it when you touched me like that, but I’m just scared. Dream I don’t want to get comfortable and then do something wrong.”  
  
He says all at once twiddling with his thumbs as he stares down at the ground while they walk aimlessly.  
  
Dream nods in an understanding manner and keeps his hands to himself this time.  
  
“No, I get it Sapnap I really do, we don’t have to do anything that you don’t want to Sapnap just know I’d be okay with anything that you are, but it’s not an obligation.”  
  
It feels like some weight has been lifted on Sapnaps shoulders as he takes in a shaky breath and reaches his hand out to intertwine his with Dream’s. Dream seems surprised but doesn't object, smiling sweetly at him. He really might just die on the spot, it’d be a happy kind of death.  
  
_The smile Dream is giving me makes me want to kiss him._  
  
His mouth opens in an o-shape as he processes that he really just thought that in his head. He also comes to see that he is staring at Dream who is now staring at him.  
  
“Is there something on my face?” He says tilting his head to the side. “Or are you just riveted by my good looks?”  
  
For once Sapnap lets himself be honest with Dream and more importantly, himself.  
  
“Good looks.” He says softly to which Dream slightly blushes not having expected that answer, running one of his thumbs gently over Sapnap’s hand, not saying anything more on the subject.  
  
  
* * *  
  
“What do you want to do now?” They’d just been walking around for a while talking but they were here to enjoy themselves so that’s what they did, they went on a bunch of other rides like spinning teacups and a rollercoaster. They even tried out a lot of games and Dream took it upon himself to Sapnap something which he succeeded in. Now Sapnap would be going home with a stuffed bear that fit snugly in his arm when he hugged the soft plushie. It was perfect for cuddling and Sapnap would be sure to always treasure it. Time is slipping away faster than they’d both anticipated and soon it was already 5 in the afternoon. They decided they should grab a bite to eat and then go on the Ferris wheel as their final ride.  
  
“Uhh I’m not that hungry so anything works really” Sapnap answers when Dream asks him what he wants to eat, they’re stopped near the food court deciding what to get.  
  
Dream looks at him, raising an eyebrow and crossing his arms, a look of amusement on his face.  
  
“Are you sure?”  
  
“Positive.”  
  
“Okay then c’mon I have just the place. I hope you don’t mind sweets.” Dream says, starting off in the direction of what looks like an ice cream parlor. Sapnap follows behind him not sure if that is where he was going to enter or if it was somewhere else. They stop right in front of the small shop before Dream opens the door, holding it for him.  
  
“After you.” He says and smiles to which Sapnap laughs and walks inside with Dream close behind.  
  
They walk up to the counter where a guy who looks to be in his early twenties is standing, he’s currently looking down at something quickly averting his attention from it when he notices the two approaching. He puts on a kind face before speaking to them.  
  
“What can I get you two?” He says putting a hand on the counter, his ginger locks of hair flopping over his eyes slightly. He has freckles speckling his cheeks and a wide smile.  
  
“One sundae please with Vanilla and Chocolate ice cream.” Dream says, asking for two straws and spoons as well. It finally seems to hit Sapnap that they're going to be sharing one singular dessert it makes his face flare up.  
  
“Dream you can’t be serious, that’s so cheesy.” He says trying to sound undisturbed but honestly he was dying on the inside. Then again at the same time being able to do something so intimate with Dream. It was as if they were already a couple on a date, boy did that thought make Sapnap's pulse quicken.  
  
“I am dead serious and maybe it is cheesy so what, it's not like I'm going to be feeding you.” Dream scoffs.  
  
"Oh god, I'm picturing it."  
  
"I hope it's as great as I'm imagining it, your face getting all these shades of red while I hold the spoon up to your mouth with the sundae on it. It would really be quite the sight don't you agree?"  
  
"No, and you're dreaming if you think I'll actually even consider letting you feed me." Sapnap says glaring at his date.  
  
"It was worth a shot." Dream says, voice sounded deflated from the rejection.  
  
The guy has finished preparing their sundae, handing them a tall glass with ice cream, whipped cream, sprinkles and a cherry on top. It doesn’t look like one of those cherries in a jar either, it’s a fresh cherry. Dream thanks the man and then leads Sapnap over to a small booth in the corner of the place. He slides into the seat and pats the empty space next to him. Sapnap sits next to him as Dream hands him a straw and gets his own out of the wrapping.  
  
Sapnap stares down at his before opening it up and sticking it into the sweet dessert. Sapnap watches as Dream does the same and leans forward to sip from the straw, it isn’t even direct contact; he doesn’t know why he’s making such a big deal out of it. His eyes travel to Dream’s lips, the way they wrap around the straw and press down to get ice cream out of it.  
  
He quickly looks away and inhales deeply before leaning forward to try some.  
  
It tastes good. Really good actually, he sips some more and then some more. Sapnap sits back up and licks his lip where some whipped cream had gone astray. He takes one of the spoons given to them and uses it to spoon some of the ice cream and eat it.

Dream glances over at him and smiles.  
  
“Good isn’t it?”  
  
Yeah I-it is.” He mutters, smiling back at Dream who leans towards him.  
  
“Hey you got some on your cheek.”  
  
“Ah! I got it.” Sapnap exclaims, reaching for a napkin but before he can grasp one Dream has his hand over his.  
  
“Huh, what’s wrong Dream?”  
  
Dream isn’t looking directly at him anymore, Sapnap watches as Dream sharply intakes a gulp of air before looking into his eyes. He speaks to him in an affable voice laced with velvet.  
  
“Sapnap is there anything I could do right now to make you hate me?”  
  
Sapnap furrows his brows confused by the question and slightly frowning. He’s not sure what Dream is trying to get at but he answers honestly.  
  
“No, of course not.”  
  
“I hope you’re right.” Dream replies before leaning forward to _lick_ the excess ice cream off his face. Sapnap’s face immediately changes color as he puts his free hand up to the spot. Dream looks as embarrassed as Sapnap feels when he quickly backs away.  
  
“Oh- uh thanks,” Is all Sapnap can manage as Dream also removes his hand from Sapnap’s, coughing rambunctiously, turning his head elsewhere. They sit in silence for the rest of the time finishing the sundae with not much more than a few glances.  
  
Once they finish Dream says he’ll go return the glass so Sapnap sits there and waits, he really feels like he might pass out. His heart is palpitating in his chest and his knees are bouncing up and down again like it had been back at home. It all felt like a fever dream, one that Sapnap hopes is never ending. He stands up when he sees Dream starting to make his way back over here.  
  
“Are you ready to go to the Ferris wheel?” He says, still not able to keep eye contact, which was definitely due to the incident prior.  
  
“Yeah I am and about earlier, don’t sweat it. I didn’t hate it.” Dream nods still flustered over the whole dilemma merely starting to head out of the building.  
  
Sapnap walks next to him as they make way for the Ferris wheel. The sky is beginning to become shadowy, sun sure to set in the next few hours too. They get in line for the Ferris wheel which is fairly long but neither of them mind.  
  
Sapnap has been thinking a lot the whole time on their date. Especially when Dream had said he’d be okay with anything that Sapnap wanted to do or say. That means he could do anything and Dream wouldn’t mind, the Ferris wheel would give them a secluded space. Some privacy. Which was _exactly_ what Sapnap needed for him to achieve what he was thinking.  
  
The line slowly inches forward until it’s their turn to get on the ride. They hand over 2 tickets and climb into a purple-roofed gondola, the door is closed after them and secured as They both take a seat next to each other. It doesn’t take long for the ride to start moving. Dream’s hand finds its way to lace over Sapnaps, his heart skips a beat as he turns to look at Dream. They’re almost at the highest point of the Ferris wheel. They’d be able to have such a great view from so far up. But the view is the last thing Sapnap is most concerned about, he turns to look at Dream who happens to be looking at him as well.  
  
The world seems to go in slow motion as they lock eyes, Sapnap inches closer to Dream who doesn’t object, getting closer as well until their thighs are touching.  
  
“There’s nothing I could do that you wouldn't like.” He whispers out more like a statement then a question.  
  
“Not a single thing.” Dream whispers back to him, that’s all Sapnap needs.  
  
“Fuck, Dream I’m so sure in love with you.” He says it in one breath before leaning forward to gently press his lips against Dreams.

It's all sudden and happens quickly but slowly at the same time. When Dream puts a hand on the back of Sapnap's head, the raven-haired moving one of his own hands to rest on Dream's cheek. The way their bodies come closer together as they share a soft, placid kiss.  
  
Sparks fly from Sapnap’s lips and travel throughout his body, it’s caring and tender. It doesn’t make Sapnap scared, it makes him want more. And Dream seems willing to give as Sapnap gently bites the other’s bottom lip. Their kiss seems to last forever, neither one of them wanting to pull away, Sapnaps hand moves from Dream’s cheek to plant on his chest. While Dreams hand trails down to his back and under his shirt.  
  
It makes Sapnap shudder from the hand on his bare back as he leans into Dream more, everything feels amazing, heavy breathing filling the air around them as the kiss becomes more hated by the second. The whole time he keeps his eyes open, watching Dream's emerald eyes gaze at him with longing, at some point their tongues even start to tease each other. As much as Sapnap hated it, the ride was going to end soon, they'd been kissing for a good five minutes, hands all over each other, mouths connected, but now he finally retracts for a breath of air.  
  
“That was— ” Sapnap starts to say, touching his own flushed lips, Dream finishes for him. “ —Amazing.” and they both look at each other and laugh, it was such an easy sort of laughter that you’d think they’d been doing it all their lives.  
  
With the ride almost over Dream and Sapnap spend most of it laughing or staring at each other with stupidly wide smiles. They both feel giddy in a way they can’t seem to decipher. On the way back to the entrance they clung to each other, hands interlocked while laughing over stupid jokes about the fact that'd been Sapnap's first kiss, it all came to an end when Dream got serious to ask Sapnap a question on both their minds question. “So, does this mean we’re dating?”  
  
“What do you think idiot, we really kissed like that and you think I _don’t_ want to be your boyfriend?”  
  
“That’s a good point. Well then, _Babe_ I hope you can get used to it.”  
  
“I’ll try, _sweetie_ .” He replies bitterly with a click of his tongue, but the way they’re both smiling says it all.  
  
They’d finally managed to traverse across the bridge they’d been so carefully walking along, beyond it is an endless wilderness of possibilities that they can both overcome at each other’s sides.  
  
That was enough for them at that moment, no longer were they friends but so much more.  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the longest chapter in the whole thing haha, lets go.


	5. Uncertain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What he's willing to lose is something Sapnap doesn't even know himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me when almost 2k hits!! lets goo

It’s the next morning, Sapnap is in his room curled up in his covers. He’s been in bed all day, sleeping or just lying awake. Radiance and Abyss came to bother him a few times. At some point he'd told Radiance they could go to the Amusement Park tomorrow after his doctor’s appointment. Today was just not a day where he had bunches of energy, he was far too tired.  
  
After last night’s shower he’d gone to bed with the memory of Dream fresh in his mind.  
  
He’d fallen asleep and for once had no nightmare, but there were these whispers he swore he was hearing throughout the night. He extends a hand to his nightstand feeling around for his phone, grabbing it upon finding it near the edge.  
  
His eyes try to focus on the bright light as he winces and strains his eyes. Staring at the time, he finds out it’s already 4 PM, not much of a surprise that he slept that late.  
  
There’s a message from Dream that causes Sapnap to long to be there with him and George.  
  
  
Dream  
 **morning baby make sure to get up and eat today** **  
****me and george miss you** **  
****  
  
**There an image attached to the message, Sapnap almost doesn’t want to look at it out of fear of breaking. There he can see Dream shirtless making a peace sign towards the camera, and judging by his surroundings it’s obvious they were in the home they’d rented out.  
  
He’s winking at Sapnap and smiling idiotically like he always tends to do, his golden hair is combed back, green eyes glittering with amusement as he grinned. Sapnap catches a glimpse of George in the background who has his back turned to a stove, cooking he assumes, he has what looks more of a Hawaiian shirt on. Loose, and littered with the design of tropical flower and leaves, his hair also seems to be neatly kept as always. George was a tidy person well about everything but his room, that place was a mess.  
  
  
Me  
 **I will thanks dreamie :)** **  
**Read 4:11 PM  
  
  
Sapnap is surprised to see the words ‘ _Read’_ below the message, had Dream been anticipating a reply? He watches the three little dots pop up to signify he’s typing another message.  
  
  
Dream  
 **no problem <3** **  
****  
  
**Then another one.  
  
  
 **If you need us dont be scared to call  
** **  
****  
**Sapnap responds with a message along the lines of ‘he won’t’ before setting his phone down and rolling over again. He stares at the ceiling, tears prick the edge of his eyes. What is he doing? Is he so pathetic that he doesn’t know when to ask for help? He could call Dream right now and tell him everything, they’d come back as soon as they could, things would be okay but Sapnap can’t seem to bring himself to even begin composing any message of the sort much less a phone call.  
  
He places his hands folded together on his stomach, laying there in the dark. His mind draws a blank on what to do, it’s probably better that way. Thinking is subject to bad things and right now Sapnap isn’t exactly in the mood to bawl his eyes Tears would do so much to him, it'd lift the weight but bring it back in seconds from the overwhelming feeling of wanting Dream and George to be there.  
  
So instead he sits up sighing, wondering what to do with such a short day on his hands?  
  
He kicks his covers off, getting up, he feels wobbly. He feels a hand on his arm to keep him steady. It’s Radiance and it has a gentle smile on its face—if you could see a mouth full of sharp blades for teeth, gentle in any scenario that is.  
  
 _“Good morning Sapnap.”_ It purrs out to which Sapnap can’t help but smile at it.  
  
“Morning Radiance.”  
  
 _“Did you sleep well?”_  
  
“I suppose. At least better than I've slept in a good while.”  
  
 _“Good, good. What’s on the agenda today may I ask!”_  
  
A bitter laugh comes from Sapnap as he trudges downstairs and into the kitchen, he turns on the light and looks at the empty sink. He couldn’t remember the last time it’d actually been full with dishes, well that was a lie. The last time it'd been filled with dishes was the day Dream had cooked dinner for them all, the day Sapnap had felt so guilty he eaten only to regret it later.  
  
“Well I need to do some laundry and feed Patches, but besides that. There's nothing else _to_ do.”  
  
Sapnap calls out for Patches who comes scampering down the stairs meowing out and sitting down at Sapnap’s feet. He crouches down to pet her for a little bit, she responds with a happy purr, her tail flicking around behind her.  
  
Reluctantly Sapnap stands to grab her food bowl and grab the food bag from the cabinet. He opens it up and pours the small bits of a meal into the metal bowl. After filling it up around three-fourths of the way he sets the bowl down, returning the food bag to it's respective cabinet.  
  
Patches digs in and leans her head down eating at the kibbles with an appreciative mewl towards Sapnap, the raven stands straight and stretches letting out a small groan. Radiance was sitting up on the counter watching as Sapnap fed the animal before it got up, letting out something that could be categorized as a yawn, waltzing to Sapnap's side.

 _"Don't you think you should go out? It's a beautiful day Sapnap."_ _  
_  
“And do what?” Sapnap replies to the tall creature taking a seat at the table, a grim expression painting his facial features.  
  
 _“Just relax and get some sun, staying cooped up in the house all day won’t do much for you.”_ _  
_  
A mythical being was trying to give him advice, he must really appear desperate. If he goes outside he’ll be exposed, people will look at him. They’ll stare and gawk and whisper, it would be too much to handle. Sapnap would break down in front of them like the weak person he was and no one would be there to help him. Not George, not Dream and not even Radiance or Abyss. He would just look crazier talking to himself in front of others and probably be put in a mental hospital if he said he was talking to demons.  
  
Sapnap hadn’t even noticed how bad he’d been shaking until Radiance pressed a hand firmly on top of his to calm him down. The hand is warm and it sends some sort of limpid energy into Sapnap. Tears sting at the corners of his eyes, making it hard to see.  
  
 _"Breathe Sapnap."  
  
_ He can't, there's no air in his lungs to do so. Everyone's looking, everyone's staring. They're all judging him, they can see right through him. Radiance grips his hand tighter. The long slim fingers curl over his in an attempt to soothe the male. Sapnap wants people to stop looking, he needs them to go away. Sapnap can't take it, he wants Dream and George so badly so badly, he sobs out and let's Radiance hold his hand. 

Insane, must have sounded insane as he laughed from how pathetic it all was. How could he laugh when he felt everything but joy? He feels another hand on his opposite hand. It's cold, it's Abyss and it's trying to comfort him however it could.  
  
But they're not George and Dream, and they never would be. But it's what's available, so he'll take it. Because something is better than nothing and for now it’s all he has. it’s all he’ll have for one week,  
  
  
  
 ~~if he lives to see the end of it that is.  
~~  
  
  
Eventually his breathing is okay again and he can open his eyes without wanting to close them back up and make himself as small as humanly possible in the chair. He remembers he needs to call Dream and George and gets to his feet, he almost falls but grabs hold off the chair and uses it for support. Neither of his demons are there anymore, they’ve disappeared once again. Sapnap climbs the stairs holding a tenacious grip on the railing, terrified that if he let go he’d fall.  
  
Sapnap reaches his room, reaching for his phone. There are no new messages, h opens up his contacts and finds Dream’s name. He’d input the name as _Dweam_ with a green heart emoji next to it. He dialed the number and waited, anxiously twirled an end of his shirt as he heard it ring and ring. Maybe now hadn’t been a good time to call, Dream might be having fun and he could be interrupting.  
  
Just as he’s about to hang up he hears Dream pick up.  
  
“Hey Sap, did you sleep well? Sorry about not picking up right away. I just got done showering. Me and George are going to go out for dinner.” Sapnap can hear some ambience in the background as he hears George shout. “We miss you Sap!”  
  
Sapnap grips onto his phone. Do they really miss him? Or are they just saying they do?  
  
“I slept alright Dream, it’s okay I'm sorry for calling you when you were showering.”  
  
“Don’t apologize silly, I’m just happy you called. It’s nice to hear your voice.” Dream says to him in a way that would usually leave Sapnap throwing a cocky remark at him. All he can do now is close his eyes and try to tell himself Dream means what he says.  
  
“I’m happy to hear you too.”  
  
Dream’s voice drops a few octaves, a tone that he only uses when he’s being serious.  
  
“You’ve eaten right? Like actually?” Sapnap blinks, what did that mean? It doesn't matter, that what he tells himself when doing what he always does best. Lie.  
  
“Yup! Had a really nice lunch thanks for asking.” He replies trying to sound chipper.  
  
There’s a pause and a moment of silence.  
  
Why is Dream asking him something like that so strangely? He didn’t know did he? That he’d been lying to them. The thought puts him at the brink of tears, if Dream knew he’d be so sad. He would be so upset and talk in a different tone that Sapnap feared more than any clamorous yells or snarls.  
  
 _The tone of disappointment, the look of it too._  
  
Sapnap hates being looked at like that, spoken too in such a way. He knew he was pathetic, he didn’t need the reminders. Or maybe if Dream knew he wouldn’t care, he’d tell him he could care less. Maybe he would break up with him right there and knock Sapnap out of this daze that he kept telling himself he was in, this daze of being loved.  
  
He puts the phone on speaker and has to bring it away from his ear and hold it out far in front of him so it can’t pick up the way he begins to hyperventilate. No, no why is it so quiet, why isn’t Dream saying anything? He must know, there’s no way he doesn’t, he’s just figuring out a way to soften the blow Sapnap knows is coming.  
  
“I’m glad baby, take care of yourself, okay?” Dream finally says in his soft voice of his.  
  
Sapnap blinks back tears, he tries to say something. He swears he’s trying to form some sort of response but it gets caught in his throat. Nothing comes out.  
  
Dream now sounds slightly more frantic.  
  
“You there Sap?”  
  
“Yes. Sorry. Was thinking and I hope you and George enjoy dinner.” He says pausing in between his sentences to try and not sound as wrecked as he truly is.  
  
There’s more hesitance before Dream continues.  
  
“Alright, I Lov-”  
  
Sapnap can’t bear to hear the words, he hangs up and chucks his phone onto the bed. He can’t handle being told such lies. Being deceived. It’s enough, he knows Dream and George don’t need him, they don’t have to toy with him too. Intoxication is visible in his mind, what on earth is he saying? Why is he letting these false things get to him? He knew Dream and George loved him, he knew that. He knew it, he knew it. Right?  
  
Yes, no, maybe? He knows the answer, he does. He really does, but then why are there these doubts. These whispers, these screams. That it’s all a lie, it’s not, but it is, but it isn’t, he can’t trust himself. If he can’t trust his own mind then surely he couldn’t trust Dream or George either.  
  
He’d always told himself they loved him, but maybe that was no different than Radiance and Abyss. Illusions, hallucinations, thoughts in his head that are making him go insane. It could all just be in his head, every single thing. there was no way to be sure anymore, he looked around as if searching for someone or something. Finally his eyes land on it and he clutches the paper bag in his hands. He breathes in and out of it fast trying to calm himself down from the continuous roaring in his ears.  
  
It’s so obnoxious, why can it just stop. He _needs_ it to stop. Sapnap uses the paper bag until that too makes him want to choke, resorting to chucking it to floor. Looking at his vanity he spots a bottle of water, dragging his feet there he chugs the entire thing down. Water drips down the side of his chin and onto the carpet.  
  
Sapnap crumples up the plastic bottle and throws it in the trashcan in his bedroom. The deafening commotion in his head has gone down to something similar to the buzzing of a bee. It’s not the best condition but it isn’t as bad as before. He walks over to the laundry basket and picks it up, it’s full of clothing and slightly heavy. For any 20 year old it should be a breeze but Sapnap nearly topples over from picking up the weight. Had he really grown so frail in just a little over a week? It was a wonder what almost no food could do to you.  
  
Honestly it surprised him it’d taken this long to start affecting him physically and man now that he thought about it would he even be able to go to the amusement park?  
  
He calls out wondering if Radiance will answer him. It appears right before him faster then he can blink. It seems to be holding a needle in it’s hand with a piece of thread going through it.  
  
“ _You called dear?_ ”  
  
“I’m not sure we can go to the amusement park at all.. I’m probably going to struggle just making it to the doctor tomorrow.”  
  
“ _Awh, bummer. But yes I do understand you must have been taking really good care of yourself before for the physical toll of starvation just starting to settle in._ ”  
  
“I guess so, maybe I should try and eat something today.” He says almost with some hint of pain in his voice, if he ate too much he would gain weight. His mind was plagued with the fear of being overweight, he couldn't eat too much or he'd just get fatter then he already was.  
  
“Radiance do you uh. Do you mind grabbing me an apple from the fruit bowl downstairs please?”  
  
Radiances nods, it's gone again and within a few seconds reappears. The needle is gone, now it holds a bright red Fuji Apple. It hands it to Sapnap who graciously accepts it and takes a bite out of it.  
  
The sweet taste coats his tongue and tames the beast of unknown hunger. Had he really been this hungry? Soon the entire apple is gone before he could even realize it. All that’s left is the core in his hand.  
  
“Trash please.” He mutters and Radiance takes the core disposing of it in the trash. His stomach rumbles, he needs more food. He doesn’t dare ask for anything else and when Radiance offers, he declines. Sapnap picks up the laundry basket, even having to slightly strain his muscles, feeling ashamed when Radiance has to assist him in holding the basket upright in his arms.  
  
" _Sapnap you have to try and eat a little more, you're all skin and bones, it's scary._ "  
  
"What are you talking about, if anything I think I gained a few pounds in the past few days. I'm not skinny." The response is curt, the subject is dropped by Radiance knowing it won't be able to convince Sapnap to eat a lot, but maybe just maybe, it tries once more.  
  
" _That's not true Sapnap, you're not overweight in the slightest. It's in your head._ "  
  
"So are you." The sentence comes off dripping with sadness rather then insulting.  
  
In silence they walk from Sapnap’s room into the laundry room and start loading up the washing machine. Sapnap opens it up, measuring laundry detergent into a small cup. He’s glad the bottle of detergent isn’t full, if it was he’s scared he might not have been able to hold it up on his own. Why is he so concerned? He’d been the one starving himself; he knew Marasmus would settle into him sooner or later.  
  
Wondering how long it’ll take to kill him, because he knows it will. Death will take him when he least suspects it, death would pull the rug out from under him, to kill him once and for all.  
  
Radiance helps him go through the clothes to just wash the dark ones in this load. In around 5 minutes the washer is running and going with all the dark colored clothes inside. Sapnap tries to think of something to do, but he can't, his mind is empty. The only thing that he can think of is resting more. It feels as if he can barely function or make his limbs work, which is no one’s fault but his own.  
  
Radiance tries once more, hoping it's persistence will pay off.  
  
“ _Sapnap, you should try and eat some eggs. I know you probably despise the idea but it has protein. And if there’s anything that’s going to at least give you some strength, it's protein. I’ll even cook it for you._ ”  
  
“You can cook?" Sapnap is bewildered by this discovery.  
  
 _“Of course I can! Who do you take me for.”_ Radiance huffs before grabbing Sapnap’s hand and taking him downstairs. Sapnap groans as Radiance grabs a frying pan and sprays it with an oil. It sets it on the stove, turning it on medium low.  
  
 _“You’re going to eat some of it, got it? I can’t prevent you from dying all together but for a little longer. I have to... I have to make sure that you make it for a little while longer.”_ Sapnap isn’t sure what Radiance means. There is no saving himself now. He’s way too deep in to try and recover from this, how many more days will it be before he dies? Surely not that many.  
  
  
  
  
Soon the scent of fresh breakfast like smells are wafting through the kitchen. Sapnap would be telling a fib if he said it didn’t smell absolutely amazing. His mouth even starts to water slightly at the thought of it. Another few minutes and Radiance has a plate down in front of him composed with one scrambled egg and two slices of tomato on the side.  
  
It isn’t much but Sapnap scarfs it down like he hadn't eaten in ages which in some way was true, but it was so good. He forked it all into his mouth, making sure to chew with his mouth closed. The plate was soon empty and Sapnap breathed in and out heavily. If his stomach were a person he is sure it’d be throwing a party right about now for the wonderful meal he’d just had.  
  
Questions fill his head. If these were hallucinations then how had he been cooked real food? Are these really hallucinations? For some reason he feels it'll be better if he leaves the questions unanswered or merely ignores them all together. His brain might explode if he attempts to dissect all these confusing aspects swirling around in his head about these two demons.  
  
He looks down biting his lip, he knows he’ll end up regretting having ever eaten. But for once he doesn't immediately fee the guilt inside of him or a sickening feeling in his stomach.  
“Thank you Radiance.”  
  
“ _Of course Sapnap and you know you don’t really need to go to the doctor’s office tomorrow_ .”  
  
Sapnap cocks his head to the side softly and arches one of his eyebrows.  
  
“What? Why not?”  
  
“ _It doesn’t take an expert to figure out you’re starving yourself Sapnap, it’s obvious marasmus is settling in as well, it'll only be a matter of time._ "  
  
Sapnap keeps his eyes on his plate, swallowing hard. He hadn’t wanted to talk about it, because he knows every single word Radiance is saying was correct. He knew it was, yet doesn’t want to face the fact even when it's right in front of him.  
  
“Maybe I should cancel then.” He mutters to himself and Radiance nods petting Sapnap on the head, he accepts the gesture of affection? He’s not sure what it is, but he takes it. He closes his eyes and lets himself cry.  
  
Sapnap starts rambling and he can’t stop.  
  
“Radiance I’m so scared. I want Dream and George, I want them so bad. I need them to be here but do they really care about me? What if they just think I’m annoying or dumb? I kind of am but if they think I am too it’s even worse. I’m not lovable at all. I want to die but at the same time I’m so scared. I want them to be by my side, that’s all I ever wanted, that's all I've ever needed.” he cries out as Radiance listens to his pleas and wishes.  
  
“ _Your phone is upstairs. You can call them right now and all of this will be over._ ” Radiance responds after silence falls between both of them. Well that is if you don’t count Sapnap’s sniffles and hiccups.  
  
“No, no I can’t do that. They’re having fun without me. If I ruin that for them I’ll feel even worse. I can’t do it, I just can't, maybe it’ll be better if I die alone where no one can find me. So there aren’t any concerns about me.”  
  
More silence and soft cries, and once again Radiance speaks.  
  
“ _There’s only one way to find out if that’s true Sapnap, are you really ready to give up?_ ”  
  
The words ring in his head. _Are you ready to give up?_ Sapnap doesn’t know but he feels close to that point.  
  
“ _You don’t have to give me an answer, but just. Give it some thought. Don’t give up on your life without thinking what wonderful things lie ahead of you. You're still so young_ .”  
  
Sapnap knows all of this yet still if he has to live a life without Dream and George will it really be a life at all? Will he really be able to dispose all the memories he has to try and move on? Is it possible to do something like that? To sacrifice so much for something uncertain?  
  
He really doesn’t know, he isn’t sure he ever will.


	6. Heartache

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He keeps getting chills, he still misses them. But do they care? Sapnap's almost fully convinced the answer is no.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A short chapter

The volume is turned down low on the television to where it doesn’t bother Sapnap. He’s sitting on the couch curled up with a blanket draped over his shoulders. He’d spent the last hour switching through channels on the television to try and find something to watch.  
  
The button on the remote is clicked again, coming with new colors washing over his face. Barefoot he wiggles his toes from the sudden chills that he keeps getting. He wonders why, the air conditioning isn’t on and it’s not cold.  
  
Sapnap sighs continuing to browse through the boring sports games, the children's cartoons. In the end he just lets it stop on a channel playing soft music. There’s nothing to watch and he’d probably just spend the whole night flicking through the same channels over and over again.  
  
He wonders what Dream and George are doing, if they’re having a good time without him. He hopes so, he hopes they aren’t worrying about how he's doing. His phone rests next to him now after having retrieved it from his room and called the doctor's office leaving a message with his name saying he was cancelling his appointment.  
  
A _ding_ comes from his phone, catching his attention he looks over at it, it’s facing down so he doesn’t catch what the notification is. He picks up his phone seeing a new message from George this time. It’s a picture of a night sky, with white visible sparkles of light. The stars looked dazzling, was that a picture of Hawaii’s sky?  
  
He wonders if the sky outside is anywhere close to that of the picture, so beautiful and eye catching. It’s just the image before George starts typing.  
  
**  
** Gogy **  
** **pretty isnt it? me and dream are going** **  
** **to bed sleep tight sap kisses and hugs <33  
****  
** **  
** Sapnap wonders how George will react when he finds out he’s gone. Will he be sad? He doesn’t think so or maybe he will be. The difference between reality and make-believe was becoming more difficult to identify.  
  
  
Me  
**It is and night gogy ily**  
  
Gogy  
**:)** **  
****  
  
** Sapnap puts his phone down, bringing his knees up to his chest letting the blanket fall over him more. The music is very soothing in the moment, he shuts his eyes and falls asleep in no time.  
  
____  
  
  
Sapnap is first hit with the scent of the same antiseptic, the two previous times he’d had this dream there’d been a putrid smell and this time was no exception. He opens his eyes, his lashes touch his bottom lid while heaving out a sigh. He winces from the excruciating pain in his body, and how much it hurts to move a muscle.  
  
He tries to sit up but can’t even find the strength to put his arms down on either side of him to try and hoist himself upwards. A groan is extracted from his mouth, cursing his weak body, the hospital gown he has on still looks intact and the IV in his arm appears to be in the same spot it had been last time. But now he notices his skin is paler, pale like that of a ghost. When had that happened? He tries to lift his arm up to look closer but it hurts and he’s forced to let his arm fall back down to the plush hospital mattress.  
  
The heart rate monitor next to him is still going, but the pace seems different, the beeps have a lot more time in between them and are inconsistent. Again the exact same doctor walks into the room looking at Sapnap.  
  
“Ah, I’m glad you’ve woken up. I presume you have a lot of questions.”  
  
Sapnap manages to nod his head up and down to which the doctor responds by sighing and pulling out a chair from a table in the far corner of the room. He sits down tapping his pen against the clipboard he’s holding.  
  
“You were in an accident per say until you can be questioned, but you’re in good hands now Sapnap. That I can assure you of, you’ll probably be here for a few weeks but after that you’ll be discharged.”  
  
An accident? Car? He tries to think hard about what he can conclude from an accident but nothing surfaces in his foggy mind. Now that he thinks about it he doesn’t remember much at all besides waking up in the hospital. Snapping himself out of a daze he realizes the doctor could tell him what he needed to hear about something.  
  
Sapnap barely manages to croak out the only question that holds any meaning to him.  
  
“Have t-two men come visit me?” He has to pause before he goes on. “One blonde and one brown haired.”  
  
The doctor raises an eyebrow at him. “No, no ones come to visit you. We couldn’t get a hold of your parents sadly enough, no one else has stopped by.”  
  
Tears spill down Sapnap's cheeks as the doctor's eyes widen in concern.“What’s wrong, does something hurt?”  
  
Sapnap falters out a sob which is cut off from the need to get more air into his lungs.  
  
They don’t even care enough to come visit him, did they even know he was here? If they did they would have come to visit for sure right? They would. Surely, they wouldn’t abandon him here with no one. Unless Sapnap had been right all along, unless they really didn’t care about him and thought he was a nuisance. But could they not even come out of pity? Just to bid their final goodbyes and walk out of his life. Was that too much to ask? Maybe it was but it was all Sapnap wished for and it shattered him to know that this wish would not be coming true.  
  
Sapnap looks dead into the doctor's eyes. New tears in his own eyes are already starting to make the man look strange, he barely musters up the courage to say the words, they’re the truth and have been for a long, long time.  
  
“My heart hurts.”  
  
He lets himself close his eyes, head falling slack against the pillow again. His tear-stained cheeks and depressed demeanor won’t be going anywhere anytime soon. Neither will the freshly made wounds on his heart.  
  



	7. Phone Call

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sapnap gets a call, it brings him a little joy.

Sapnap awakens the next day to his phone ringing.  
  
God what time is it?  
  
He rubs his eyes groggily and groans out from the chill in his body, he needs to get some water. His throat feels so dry, the sun is already high up in the sky which Sapnap can see from the amount of sunlight coming through the curtains of his window. Stretching out his arms, he closes his eyes trying to shake off the fatigue by proceeding to slap both of his cheeks with his hands.  
  
Sapnap also realized he'd in his room, he doesn't remember coming up here. But fragments of waking up sometime after being asleep on the couch do cross his mind. Another hospital dream does too, but he decides to not think about that part.  
  
“Mmmph.”  
  
His phone is still ringing and he reaches over to grab it from his bedside table looking at the caller ID.  
  
He doesn’t recognize the number but picks up anyway.  
  
“Hello?” His voice sounds weary and tired.  
  
“Sapnap is that you?” The voice on the line says and Sapnap lets out a paltry gasp.  
  
“Karl?!”  
  
“Yeah it’s me! Oh my gosh I’m so glad I’ve finally been able to get a hold of you.”  
  
Sapnap feels himself getting emotional from just the sound of his friends' voice. He hadn’t heard from him in so long. What had he been up to? How had he been?  
  
Karl was one of those people he’d gone to high school with and not kept much contact with after. They’d spoke every once in a while but after some point their weekly calls just stopped and Karl must have gotten a new phone because this wasn't the number he’d had for Karl in his contacts.  
  
“I’m sorry that we stopped talking, I broke my phone, I only just got a new one a few weeks ago. I had to look through my old backpack—which took hours to find— so that I could get the old slip of paper you’d given me when we first exchanged numbers. I was just praying you didn’t have a new phone.”  
  
Sapnap lets out a sigh of something similar to happiness.  
  
“It's perfectly fine but god I uh, how have you been Karl.” He runs a hand through his hair shakily, the smile on his face is small but it exists and that’s something.  
  
“I’m okay Sapnap, how about you?”  
  
How is he supposed to answer that? He can’t just say. _“Oh, I’m doing pretty shitty but it’s good.”_ Sapnap doesn’t realize he’s actually said it until Karl says something.  
  
“What? Are you okay?”  
  
“Uh- Yeah, I just miss Dream and George a lot. They’re on a trip and I was sick so I couldn't go.”  
  
“Awh, I’m sorry to hear that.” Karl says clearly sharing Sapnap’s sadness but in much milder measures.  
  
“But I’m sure they’re having fun.”  
  
“Mhm.”  
  
They talk for a little while longer before Karl says he has to go do house cleaning. Sapnap reluctantly says goodbye, dragging it out as long as possible. Talking to people had become hard but with Karl it all felt so easy, like he could let his guard down.  
  
He hopes Karl isn’t another one of these crazy hallucinations of his. Sapnap looks down at his phone and adds the once unknown number to his contacts renaming it to Karl and scrolling back through his gallery until he finds an old picture of his.  
  
In the picture he has on a light purple hoodie, his brown hair has slightly fallen over his eyes, there’s a smile on his face, while he holds up both of his hands, giving the camera peace signs.  
  
It all seems so long ago that he’d taken that picture of Karl. Too long in fact, he wonders what Karl will think when he finds out what Sapnap has done with himself. He balls his hand up into a light fist, resting it over his heart. He hopes that when he’s at the gates of Heaven or Hell he’ll get a chance to explain why he died the way he did.  
  
Now that he’s actually settled down Sapnap looks at the time. It’s only 3 PM, he still has a lot of daylight left. He supposes he should get calling his lovers out of the way so they don’t worry. Hesitation almost prevents him from the fear they’re busy and won’t be able to give him the time of day. Not that he deserves it, but the meager shred of hope remains in him. Maybe that’s what stops him from letting it all go, the small smidge of a possibility that Dream and George do care about him. He dials George’s number and waits as it rings for a few seconds before he hears his voice.  
  
“Sap, hey hun. How are you feeling?” Sapnap can practically see the smile George has on his face right now, he sounds so upbeat and cheery.  
  
“I’m okay, how about you and Dream?”  
  
“Great actually, we’re gonna take surfing lessons in a couple hours. I wish you could be here though baby.” That sentence sounds sadder and Sapnap is hit with a pang of guilt at the fact that he could be there if he hadn’t lied.  
  
He rubs a corner of his phone with his index finger, as he tells George something from the bottom of his heart. “I love you.” He says and he lets the words sink in, there’s silence and a soft ‘Mmm.’ of approval.  
  
“I love you too Sapnap, so so much.” Sapnap’s breath hitches as he rubs the corner of his phone faster from a sudden sense of panic.   
  
Does George really mean that or maybe he was hearing things. He’s about to ask George to repeat it, just to make sure he’s not dreaming but his boyfriend speaks again.  
  
“Hey, I have to go okay? I’ll call you before you go to bed so we can talk some more.”  
  
"Okay."  
  
And with that the line goes silent, he puts a hand to his temple while trembling. George said he loved him, had he really heard him correctly?  
  
He looks at the battery percentage on his phone realizing it's going to die soon. opening up the drawer on his night stand he rummages around for his charger. Once he finds it he plugs it into the wall and closes the drawer. Then he plugs his phone in and rests it on the table.  
  
Sapnap walks over and opens up the curtains of the one room in his window, in one swift motion light is pouring through the glass and filling his room with bright light. The sapphire sky is littered with clouds fluffy and voluminous like cotton candy. He stares at them, captivated by the sight. Are Dream and George looking at the same sky right now? Are they thinking of him?  
  
It’s another magnificent day, maybe Radiance was right. He could use some sun, he removes his clothing, taking a quick warm shower, washing his body off from the grime he feels has collected. This time he doesn’t play any music, he’s scared something similar to the previous experience will happen, setting the temperature of water to be somewhere in the middle, he hopes it’ll ease the strain in his body.  
  
He doesn’t feel great but somehow miraculously he hadn’t thrown up yesterday’s meal and as a result he felt a little stronger. Barely, but it was there and he hoped that would get him through today and tomorrow.  
  
Sapnap gets out of the shower and dresses in a shirt that is now a few sizes too big. Sighing, he pulls it back off going to his room and searching through the bottoms of his drawers until he finds one of his older shirts. It’s light blue and has a similar design to George’s iconic shirt style. A smile crosses his face as slips on the shirt, it doesn’t fit him like a glove but it’s certainly less loose. He also puts on an older pair of shorts and looks down at his legs. He looks so skinny, what if— . Sapnap shakes his head and takes in a shallow breath stopping himself from changing into jeans or sweatpants. Grabbing his phone— which has almost completely charged— he slips it into the back pocket of his shorts.  
  
Before he does his phone is suddenly ringing again and he lets himself make a dry joke out of it.  
  
“Man, I sure am popular today.” He quickly pulls his phone back out and picks up. It’s Karl again and he sounds really excited.  
  
“Sap, Sap you’re living in Florida right?”  
  
“Huh- yeah I am why?”  
  
“Guess who’s in Florida.”  
  
Does that mean Karl is hoping to come visit him? While the idea would usually sound delightful, Karl would see him like this. That did not sound like such a great plan but he can’t just flat out reject him. The last thing he would ever want to do is hurt one of his best friends.  
  
“You are.” He says in a dismissive tone which Karl ignores.  
  
“Yup! C’mon how about I come to your place tomorrow. I can keep you company, it’ll be great.”  
  
“Yeah, for sure I’ll give you the address.” Sapnap doesn’t have the heart to refuse Karl, he sounded so eager about this. Sapnap tells Karl his address slowly so he has the chance to write it down. They chat a bit more as Sapnap makes his way downstairs and feeds Patches her food and gives her some water, as well as taking her out to the bathroom.  
  
Before they hang up Karl makes a request of him which Sapnap thinks is random but he doesn’t object.  
  
“Do you have that one picture of me from our eleventh grade end-of-year party?”  
  
“I do, how come?”  
  
“Set that as my contact picture on your phone! I look really good in that one.”  
  
Sapnap snorts and rolls his eyes deciding to appraise his friend's request for a minute before agreeing with him after a few more playful comments before Sapnap says he has some work to do, which isn’t entirely a lie. Going outside is going to take a lot of work, his anxiety is already rising just thinking about it.  
  
After he hangs up he goes back through his gallery more slowly to find the picture of Karl, while looking for it he spots another picture, one that he hadn’t forgotten about but one he’d never really thought of until just now as he sees it before his eyes.  
  
In it George has his arms wrapped around Sapnap from behind, his chin resting on his shoulder as he grins widely, meanwhile Sapnap is smiling with his eyes closed; he looks so carefree. Dream is behind them giving the two men bunny ears with his hands. His head is peaking out. He has this snarky smirk on his face from his accomplished dirty work.  
  
Sapnap looked so happy there, he _was_ so happy in the image. He’s no longer that person and he’s not sure he ever will be. He clicks out of the image finding the one Karl was speaking of from around 2 years ago and replacing the contact picture of him in the purple hoodie with it. He stores his phone back in his pocket and goes outside.  
  
He hasn’t been out since the day he took Dream and George to the airport and that seemed like years ago. Taking in the fresh and crisp Summer air, he walks down the path around the house to the backyard, it's all he can handle.  
  
Going out farther than the premise of his house ran the chance that people would see him.  
  
It’s not much, but it’s better than staying inside the house all day. Maybe he can take a nap out here. His body wants him to lay down, sleep, it’s screaming at him to go back to bed but a nap out here can’t be too uncomfortable.  
  
“ _I see you took my advice_ .” Sapnap almost jumps out of his skin at the presence of the voice. “ _Sorry, didn’t mean to scare you._ ” He snaps his head to his side to see Radiance there walking with him towards a tall oak tree in the yard.  
  
“No it’s fine— “ He sits down under it and leans his head back against the trunk. The cool breeze is refreshing and threatens to lull him to sleep immediately.  
  
“Yeah, I don’t know how much longer I have so I might as well make it count.” He’s groggy and even though the sun is shining he gets an indescribable chill over his body. Sapnap hugs himself, he _is_ in the shade but even then he shouldn’t be feeling as cold as he does at the moment.  
  
He rubs his hands together as Radiance takes a seat next to him. The silence between them is peaceful and before he can stop it he’s dozing off with his head slumping on the beast’s shoulder who simply smiles, letting Sapnap rest.  
  
The creature found it pitiful for someone so young to be going through such a state, not having the bravery reach out to someone about it. Not even the two people who loved him more than anything in the world. It pained Radiance in a way and it could only pray things wouldn’t keep going down this road or Sapnap’s life would come to a close quite soon.  
  
It wonders how deep in this depressive state he must be to start thinking almost everything around him is fake. Like the words of the two people he trusts or trusted with everything in his life. A strong gust of wind stirs some leaves on the ground and Radiance watches as they slowly float back down to the ground as if a feather.  
  
Radiance stays there while Sapnap sleeps, pursing it’s lips, one of the white butterflies on it’s head flies towards Sapnap and lands on his hand. Warmth spreads across Sapnap’s body in small surges but it can’t be compared to how cold he feels. A dream befalls him, something that had happened in the past, that he really wished he had right now.  
  
____

  
  
It’s late in the middle of the night when Sapnap awakens in his bed, he sits up with ease and gets up from his resting place. It’s quiet, he slinks out of his room and goes over to Dream’s room where he slowly opens the door. His boyfriend is sleeping soundly, he makes a small noise from the sound of the door. Sapnap watches as Dream rubs his eyes and opens them to look at him.  
  
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you up.”  
  
Dream gives him a smile before whispering softly to him.  
  
“It’s okay, is something wrong?”  
  
“Mmmm, no I just wanted to come sleep with you tonight if it’s okay.”  
  
Dream removes the covers from himself enough to open his arms in a clear gesture of welcome to Sapnap. The younger male takes it, crawling into the bed and crashing into his boyfriend’s arms who giggles gently, hugging him tightly.  
  
“You're really warm Dreamie.” Sapnap mumbles quietly into his chest which Dream responds to by giggling a little more and kissing Sapnap’s head. Dream moves one hand to pull the covers over his boyfriend  
  
“You ready to sleep?” Dream mutters, Sapnap shakes his head and gently whines.  
  
“Where’s George?” Sapnap asks.  
  
“He’s in his room silly, where else would he be?”  
  
“I want him here too!”  
  
“Pft, so needy aren’t you.” Dream teases him, shaking his head, unwrapping his arms from Sapnap, sitting up.  
  
“Want me to carry you there?” Dream asks him to which Sapnap nods, he’s too tired to protest that he has two legs and can walk there on his own.  
  
Dream hoists Sapnap up into his arms and holds him up from under his thighs. He edges open his door and walks down the hallway to George’s room. Silently he pushes open the door since it isn’t shut and sets Sapnap down on the bed.  
  
George let’s out a soft groan, rolling over, not bothering to open his eyes. He knows the only two people who could have entered his room are Dream or Sapnap. He feels another body settle down on the bed next to him and concurs it’s the both of them.  
  
Dream uses a soft voice as he talks to George.  
  
“Sapnap wanted to sleep with the both of us.”  
  
“That’s fine with me.” George says, letting Sapnap scoot closer to him and wiggle his way into George’s arms. Dream comes closer to George as well placing one of his cheeks on the top of his head.  
  
“Night, Sap and George.” Dream says to the both of them.  
  
“Night night Dream and Gogy.” Sapnap mumbles before letting himself fall asleep barely catching as George whispers his good nights back to them.  
  
It’s warm in George’s arms, very comforting, he’s glad neither of them mind him randomly waking up in the middle of the night needing some affection.  
  
But this is merely a dream for he is alone at the moment with no one for company but two measly hallucinations that he wouldn't dare consider to be anything like friends.  
  
____  
  
Sapnap opens his eyes to someone calling his name.  
  
“ _Sapnap, Sapnap, we should go back inside._ ”  
  
It’s Radiance, Sapnap is surprised to feel something on his face. He reaches a hand out to touch his cheek, realizing he’s been crying.  
  
What had he been dreaming about? He can’t remember anymore but if it made him cry maybe it was something he longed. Then again he missed a lot of things right now he uses the tree trunk to help him to his feet.  
  
The sun has long past gone down and all that’s left is the inky-black sky. There are no stars out tonight, at least not many. Every few yards he sees a small twinkle but it’s nothing compared to the picture George had sent him.  
  
Wait.  
  
 _George._ _  
__  
_He’d been expecting a call from him. Whipping out his phone he sees that he had indeed missed a call from him 2 hours ago. It’s almost midnight now, and he doubts George is still awake. Sapnap doesn’t want to risk waking him up so he decides against calling him back.  
  
It was a shame really, he'd had actually kind of been looking forward to it, but now he's missed his chance. If they had spoken what could Sapnap talk about? He hadn’t been doing much at all. He goes inside and walks throughout every room checking to see if any of the garbage cans were full so he could take them out.  
  
Not even the kitchen garbage had anything in it, so instead he moved on to go to the hall closet and grab the broom and dustpan from there. His body is still aching but he bites back the pain, sucking it up to power through it.  
  
After putting the broom into the closet and dumping the dustpans’ contents into the trash he takes the vacuum to clean all and any room that was carpeted. By the time he’s done he’s sweating as if he was at the beach on a blistering hot day with no way too cool off. While his body is sweating bullets another chill hits him and he closes his eyes.  
  
Sapnap coughs into his arm and curses himself, there’s no way he’s getting sick. Another cough comes from him, he reassures himself it's just all the dust he’s been around. Then he sneezes, having to go into the bathroom— after returning the vacuum to the closet— to grab a tissue.  
  
He blows his nose into it, then balls up the tissue once he’s done proceeding to throw it in the trash can. It’s not worth the trouble to check his temperature, he isn’t sick. He’s fine, he’s sure of it.  
  
Having slept for a good 8 hours outside did him well but he still feels so tired, he just wants to curl up and crash his head down onto his pillow. The washed laundry is still in a basket in the corner of his room, waiting to be folded and stored in his dresser.  
  
He doesn’t feel like doing it, he doesn’t feel like doing anything. Sapnap doesn’t want to sleep in his room tonight, instead he goes into Dream’s to retrieve something. There he grabs one of his green hoodies from his closet, it was one of the only hoodies he hadn’t taken. His boyfriend had to be a madman, taking hoodies to a place like Hawaii. Sapnap pulls the hoodie over his head and snuggles into the warmth, it smells like him. Under the scent of the laundry detergent they used, he could smell Dream. It calmed him down, he walked over to the bed and tugs one of the blankets off of it before dragging it out of his room and trudging to George’s.  
  
Closing the door behind him he slumps down onto the bed, using Dream’s blanket to cover himself as he clutches one of the pillows resting at the head of the bed. Hugging the pillow he curls up into a ball. Sapnap misses them, he longs for his lovers to be here so badly, but they’re thousands of miles away and he is here alone in bed; his life slowly slipping through his own grasp.


	8. Close Your Eyes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finally. Finally he lets go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This whole work is a big angst and trigger warning but this chapter ESPECIALLY be wary of, this chapter will contain the part of the tags involving suicide.

Where is he? He cannot recall nor is he sure that he wishes to. But he doesn't need to try because the smell is enough to light the imaginary lightbulb above his head  
  
_The hospital_.  
  
Here he is again, how many more times this continuous dream will occur, how much longer he'll have to suffer before he's put out of his misery once and for all?  
  
This time, something is very off. It's quiet, _too quiet_. Sapnap listens for anything at all but all he hears is the heart monitor next to him, the beeps are blatant in the silence. Each beep has around 12 seconds in between, Sapnap's not a doctor but he doesn't think that's natural.  
  
Sapnap wrenches his eyes open and feels surprisingly light. His skin is still as pale as before, the IV remains in his arm. There is not one speck of desire in him to stay put in this bed, so he carefully pulls the IV from his arm. A pinch of pain comes over him as the tape pulls up some of the hair on his arm and as the needle leaves his skin.  
  
He lifts up the hospital gown to look at the electrodes attached to his chest that are connected by thin leads to the heart monitor next to him. Carefully he pulls each one off, they come free with little to no resistance. After every electrode is off somehow the heart monitor is still going. He's puzzled by it and stares at the line on the screen as it spikes up and down in intervals. Should that even be possible?  
  
No, no it shouldn't, yet it's still going and Sapnap is convinced that it's his actual heartbeat.  
  
Sapnap feels energetic, which is odd. Somehow, he has the strength to move as if it were any ordinary day. He goes over to the door after standing from the bed, reaching for the knob, hesitating before yanking it open.  
  
The hall is completely dark, all the lights are off and there’s not a soul in sight. Sapnap glances from side to side frantically. Something else he’s noticed is that he can still hear the heart rate monitor easily. As if he was still right next to it, but he’s closed the door behind him. He shouldn’t be able to hear it but he can. Walking down the hall he passes room after room that's empty. The small, tall vertical windows are all smashed and tiny pieces of glass are all over the tile floor from it.  
  
He steps on some and they dig into his soles of his feet but he doesn’t pay them any mind.  
  
Where is everyone? Why does it seem like this place had been abandoned?  
  
Sapnap doesn’t know the answer, is he truly all alone? But didn’t he want it that way from the very beginning? To be alone, so that he wouldn’t have to be onerous to anyone besides himself? Why is he upset, why has he started crying? He asked for this and now that it’s actually happening the tears are falling from his eyes uncontrollably. Then a loud sound splits the air.  
  
It’s a beep, but this one is high-pitched, ear-splitting. It's the heart monitor back in his room is letting off the loud cacophony signaling that his heart is no longer beating at all. The line has stopped spiking, it’s moving in a straight line. Sapnap blinks once, then twice, then the world goes black and he sees no more.  
  
____  
  
The next day Sapnap is up and awake early. Karl texted him telling him he'd be here around 5 in the afternoon and Sapnap wanted to at least look presentable. As a result, he dragged himself out of bed sluggishly to take a shower. He'd changed into the nicest dress shirt he had along with a pair of jeans. Sapnap even combed out his hair and styled it so that it looks l like he put some thought into it.  
  
Now picking up his phone, immediately he sees he's missed tons of calls from Dream and George. It was only 10 AM, could they have really needed to tell him something that badly? Maybe this was the break up call, it would spare him the pain of them saying it straight to his face. He punches in Dreams number and immediately the phone picks up.  
  
"SAPNAP."  
  
Sapnap winces from the harsh voice and closes his eyes, screwing then shut preparing for the worst but hoping for the best.

He squeaks out. "Dream?"  
  
"Oh my god, we were so worried about you. Why didn't you answer George last night when he called you?"  
  
Worried? Why? They didn't need to worry about him, had he really done that to them. This had to be some kind of prank, he could hardly believe it. "I fell asleep, when I woke up it was close to midnight, I thought George would be asleep. I didn't want to wake him up." His throat closes up as he shakes, a second passes.  
  
"But I'm okay, I promise. Also, Karl is coming over today. I got back in touch with him. But thank you for worrying Dream."  
  
Silence. That's what he's met with and it kills him. He feels himself starting to panic again when Dream responds.

"Okay, I'm glad you're alright, enjoy yourself and make sure to eat."  
  
Sapnap wants to ask why he wouldn't be alright, because there was absolutely no reason for them to worry about him. No reason at all, maybe it was all but another trick of his mind.  
  
"I will, bye Dream. I love you." He says and hangs up, not even letting the other start a sentence.  
  
Sapnap's not sure that he will be able to live with himself if he is told yet another lie that he is loved, he is too deep inside of his mind. In his head he's struggling to stay afloat in murky water, he doesn't know how to swim. He's gasping for air hoping that he'll survive long enough for someone to rescue him, but slowly he's sinking further and further and his body is starting to give out on him.  
  
Hope has long left him that so, he knows there no one out there to be his knight to the damsel in distress he is. Sapnap's not calling out for help, he's simply hoping that someone out there will see him. So really in a way he's hoping to be saved yet he's not really trying. It's odd and at this rate his mind isn't working as it should. He should be screaming out for help but he can't bring himself to find his own voice. Somewhere down in his lungs is where it resides, refusing to let itself be useful.  
  
There are snakes and crocodiles in the water, edging closer and closer to him. Their jaws ready to open and clasp down to rip him apart. Their bites would bring venom into his veins and poison into his heart. It's far too late and Sapnap knows this, he's simply waiting for it, he wonders what will get him first; his limbs failing on him as he drowns or the reptiles who will tear him to shreds at any given chance. It's inevitable and one will come first so all that's left to do is wonder which one. He knows what awaits him and he doesn't know when it will happen, but it will come and when the time is upon him Sapnap is sure he won't be ready, but there's no turning back now.  
  


____  
  


Sapnap is in the kitchen preparing something so that Karl can eat when he gets here. He's not the greatest cook, but it doesn't take any sous chef to make a plate with crackers, cut cheese and pieces of sliced salami. (He'd went to the grocery store just for the occasion and man had it been horrible.) When the food all set he stands up and goes to his room to look in the mirror one more time to make sure he looks okay. He opens the door to his bedroom with a small crack and leaves it open as he strides to the mirror.  
  
His entire body aches, and he keeps getting constant chills that don't seem to be avoidable. Sapnap barely had the energy and motivation to get out of bed that morning. He suspected the only reason was because Karl would be coming over. Pitiful, that’s the word he would use to describe himself, undeniably pitiful. Sapnap rests his head in his hands when a voice appears out of nowhere yet he’s not alarmed, in fact he’d almost expected it.  
  
“ _Look at you Sapnap, you’re going to die any day now. Do you wanna know something interesting?_ ”  
  
He can see it in the mirror, Abyss. It’s standing there boring holes into his back with its eyes.  
  
“I’m not sure, do I?”  
  
“ _Oh, I’m sure you do._ ”  
  
Abyss smiles and laughs a tape player suddenly in his hand, it seemed to have appeared out of thin air. Sapnap would be lying if he wasn’t curious as to what the demon had in store for him.  
  
It hits the mini PLAY button on the contraption and it begins playing, it’s Dream voice...  
  
“Wha- where did you get that.” Sapnap whispers to Abyss.  
  
His eyes go wide and the words are something he knew was true but he didn’t know how much it would hurt when he actually heard it. Abyss hadn’t lied to him about anything, would he lie to him about this?  
  
“Sapnap is slightly annoying but I put up with him, but the second I break up with him it'll be a relief.”  
  
Then it’s George’s voice.  
  
“Well, he’s okay. I try to comfort him the best I can but I really don’t love him. It’s more like, some sort of sympathy I have for him.”  
  
There’s a sharp pain in his chest. He quickly moves both his hands over his heart gasping out.  
  
“Answer my fucking question Abyss, where did you get that.”  
  
Abyss laughs and throws the tape player aside.  
  
“ _Oh it’s not too hard to have two men voice their true feelings._ ”  
  
Sapnap can’t take this, it’s over, it’s too much to handle. His limbs have finally given out and he’s sinking, the creatures of the water in his mind are lurching forward and so close to biting down onto him. He starts hyperventilating and tries to find the brown bag he’d had in his room but it’s seemingly disappeared. Abyss is looking at him, reaching out a hand.  
  
“ _All you have to do is let go, Sapnap, they don’t care. Give me your hand. It’ll all be okay._ ”  
  
Sapnap shakes his head and stumbles out of his room, He has to lean against the wall to support himself from falling. A painting falls from the wall and crashes to the floor. The roaring in his ears is so loud again. There’s no way to calm down, no way to escape. It’s finally all come falling down, his breathing quicken. His chest expands and returns to normal as he panics and shuts down. He scrambles down the stairs to the kitchen, his legs are quaking as if struggling to hold up his own weight. Sapnap leans over the island shaking and coughing more, the chills along with sudden heat coming over him is strong.  
  
It has been for the past day, he hasn’t wanted to admit it but he thinks he has a fever. And in the state he’s in it’s worse than it would typically be.  
  
Closing his eyes, he beings to sob, putting his head down on the cold island trembling. He wants to end it so badly, he needs to call and cancel with Karl before he gets here. Sapnap doesn’t know what time it is nor does he care. The drumming in his ears is too raucous, he feels as though he'll collapse.  
  
There’s a whisper in his ear, the wicked, scratchy voice that terrifies him so much.  
  
“ _J_ _oin me Sapnap, just take my hand, I can’t take the pain away completely but I can make it temporary, your life is already at wit’s end anyways_ .”  
  
Sapnap looks up, the bleary tears in his eyes make it hard to see as he sobs and looks at Abyss. If he takes his hand it can all be over, he can make the pain temporary. Will his heartache stop too? Can Abyss do that?  
  
He reaches his shaking hand out placing it in the demon’s cold palm.  
  
“ _Finally! You’ve made your decision, you’ve come to your senses. I am so very proud of you_ .”  
  
The Demon whisks him close and holds him while laughing, twirling Sapnap around in a circle. The man is in no condition to be doing such lively dance moves but Abyss does it anyways. The creature is laughing like it was having the best time of its life.  
  
“ _Go on. Grab a knife, choose a sharp one we can’t risk failure_ .”  
  
Sapnap steps away from the demon to open up a drawer and grab a large kitchen knife, looking at the sharp tip of the blade it dawns on him that if he does this, there will be no going back.  
  
“Am I really doing this Abyss?” He croaks out, his shaking hands holding the knife in his hands, the roaring in his ears is still as loud as ever, but somehow the beast's voice is lucid to his ears.  
  
“ _You’ve already decided haven’t you?_ ”  
  
If Karl gets here, he’s going to see. What is he going to think? Should Sapnap really put him through that pain?  
  
While he’s lost in thought Abyss has stepped behind him and pressed his chest right against his back. His hand is over Sapnaps to steady the knife as he helps him move it to point inwards at his chest. It’s not near his heart, more like a couple feet below it, but the blade is poking through the fabric of his shirt and Abyss is pushing it closer and closer.  
  
He starts panting heavy, closing his eyes, the blade is coming closer, it’s piercing his skin.  
  
“ _It’ll all be alright Sapnap. You’re going to be okay, I’ll make sure of it, you can trust me_ .”  
  
Sapnap sniffles and nods, he doesn’t know what he’s doing, he’s horrified but he’s already made his decision and he’s sinking. He can’t do anything but take this as the blade comes into his chest and becomes embedded there. It hurts so badly but it can’t compare to the aching state his heart is in. The knife is nothing like the way his heart has broken up and been scattered by the wind because of his own twisted mental state. He can feel the blood start to seep through his shirt and drip down onto the floor. Lurching forward, he leans over the counter groaning out. Sapnap gasps out and curses from the knife in his chest.  
  
Closing his eyes he shudders, losing the strength to keep standing making him fall backwards, his body splayed out on the floor. A pool of blood is getting larger by the second, he stares at it. The scarlet liquid is all around him as he looks into the white eyes staring down at him.  
  
“ _There, there Sapnap. Close your eyes and think of something happy. When you wake up I promise you won’t be disappointed_ .”  
  
And with that, the world starts to become disoriented as he lets his eyes close, tears continue to stream down his cheeks.  
  
_This is it, he's finally going to die._  
  
He can’t stand to be here anymore, regret has found its way into every part of him and so has the cold bitterness he’s been feeling for weeks. The icy temperatures have captured him in a globe and kept him there, creeping their way into all his bones, leaving him weak. The frigid air has nipped at his skin, leaving him numb. Intrusive thoughts overtaking all of who he used to be.  
  
In his final breaths he grasps at the knife and contests to pull it out, it takes every ounce of his little saved up power to pull it free and let it fall to the floor with a _clank_ .  
  
He hears Radiance shouting at Abyss, he realizes he’s been deceived by his own mind.  
  
“ _Abyss!_ ” Radiance booms out, stern and fed up.  
  
“ _Oh settle down, what’s done is done. I may have done a teensy-weensy little trick, but so what? He believed it, isn’t he to blame?_ ” Abyss replies, shrugging its shoulders.  
  
Abyss is right. There’s no one to blame but himself for being utterly stupid..  
  
Radiance shakes its head in disapproval.  
  
“ _You aren’t supposed to manipulate him that far, you were supposed to get him to trust you. This wasn’t your job Abyss. You ne_ -” Sapnap can’t hear them anymore nor can he see the world.  
  
It’s all dark, an abyss holding empty promises that Sapnap had still somehow fell victim for.  
  
More tears fill his closed eyes, he’s made a mistake far greater than any other in the entire world and that was not trusting the people he always had. What had become of him? What kind of monster was he? He won’t even be able to directly apologize, he’ll be dead. Life is cruel, he was cruel to himself, he wants to do it all over. Maybe he could have taken a step backwards and decided to actually tell Dream and George that he’d been struggling all along.  
  
All these ‘what if’s’ but nothing can be done now as he bleeds out. There’s nothing left to be done but take what’s come to him; death. The river water inside his mind has become an ocean. Instead of snakes and crocodiles there are sharks circling him. Their fins peek out from the crystal blue, teasing him, taunting him. They’re going to eat him, well if he doesn’t drown first. All of a sudden a humongous wave comes crashing over him, pulling him under. There’s no coming back from this, his arms and legs stop working and he sinks further. His last few bubbles of air rise up towards the surface. No longer is he able to breathe.  
  
At the bottom of the deep blue he lands on a patch of sand. There’s no daylight down here anymore. Fish swarm his body having hoped he was some kind of dead morsel to feed upon, swimming away when they found out he was quite alive. Even thought these were the last few seconds of his life he somehow felt better then he ever had, he'd finally succumbed to his own mind.  
  
Sapnap lets go of it all, awaiting the afterlife whether that be the darkest pits of Hell or the sounds of angel’s trumpets in Heaven.  
  



	9. Wilting Away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A field of flowers, it's beautiful. Then it's all gone, nothing remains.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This do be an inside of Sapnap's head chapter and the shortest chapter in the entire work.

Sapnap opens his eyes, a breeze comes through and he breathes in the scent of sweet, sweet flowers on a fresh Spring.  
  
He sits himself up and finds he was lying in a garden of flowers, it seems to stretch on forever in every direction. With Tulips, to Roses, to Daffodils and even Lilies of the Valley. He also spots some Carnations and Daisies. He inhales the air, putting his arms out to both sides of him. It’s calming, the sound of faint flute music floats in the air. The song being played is Sonatine, a beautiful piece of music he recalled hearing a few times when passing by the band classroom in his Senior year of highschool.  
  
Crisp notes cut through the air, it seems even the flowers dance to the music. The moon is out and full at that, the light from it shines down on him, forming shadows across the meadow.  
  
“Welcome home Sapnap.”  
  
Sapnap turns his head, met with a pair of green eyes and hazel eyes. He reaches his arms out towards them, each of them take one as they pull him to his feet.  
  
“It’s nice to be home.” Sapnap mumbles and lets the two care for him as they hum the flute song to him like a lullaby. He’s missed a warmth like this.  
  
Dream whispers something to him that he understands, it makes him mourn for his own foolish tragedy, it sounds like something a poet might tell him or someone trying to teach him a life lesson.  
  
“Fragile like paper  
Oh but so thin  
Fear not dear one  
We love you for who you are within  
Even if you’re torn or a burned out flame  
We’d love you all the same  
Nothing will keep us apart  
You're the part of a whole to our hearts.”  
  
He gets emotional from the words even if he doesn’t mean to, beginning to sniffle as he hugs both of the people who love him for who he is. Even if he is rough around the edges, they don’t mind. But alas, he has let himself believe otherwise. Now there will be a price to pay. Sapnap isn’t prepared for it, but he’ll have to be.  
  
The moment of bliss he'd had standing there came to an end, it was fleeting. He was pathetic for him to think things would be okay. A fool is what Sapnap was, he wishes to be able to repent for these sins but how can he do so when he’s nothing but a lifeless corpse.  
  
All around him the flowers start to wilt around him, the music cuts off into a shrill and eerie note. Dream and George are gone, Sapnap is alone standing in a gigantic field of dead flowers. There’s one flower left at his feet; a purple Bellflower. He quickly bends over to pick it right down to the root to save it from the destruction. Cradling it in his arms like a child as he cries; for it is the only thing living here anymore. Even the moon has been blocked by passing clouds, shrouding him in the dark night.  
  
He has nothing left, he has taken everything away from himself. The singular flower he cradles is his last remnant of hope.  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When I was writing this I lowkey just came up with the poem on the spot, how? Idk I usually suck at poetry but hey, pop off me


	10. Reassurance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The hospital greets him again, but this time somethings different.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the chapter that may have some medical Inaccuracies :]

The first thing that hits him is the same antiseptic.  
  
He can hear the beeps again from the heart monitor Hadn't he already died in his last hospital dream? Why was he back? He doesn’t want to get up, he can’t seem to open his eyes. Maybe he'd go back to sleep, it should be better that way.  
  
Then he hears someone but it's not the doctor he’s always heard, this one sounded different. It was a female and she was inside of the room speaking to someone else.  
  
“He’s been unconscious since you brought him to the hospital yesterday, we’ve been having to inject his blood with protein due to the Marasmus. He stabbed his diaphragm and after further examination we found that it was a rupture, not too terrible but definitely present.”  
  
Sapnap doesn’t understand what’s being said, he’s too tired to figure it out anyways. But he continues to listen as this mystery woman speaks.  
  
“It’s really a miracle that he’s still alive. You should be grateful that you got there when you did. If you had gotten there much later he would have already bled out. We will need approval, but surgery is going to be needed, we’re going to need to perform a Laparotomy incision to go in and stitch up the rupture. Thankfully it’s not grave enough that we we'll have to use mesh to repair it.”  
  
Surgery? This was never mentioned in any of the dreams he had before, he tries to open his eyes but his body doesn’t seem to be working properly. He heard another voice and at first he didn't recognize it but then.

 _God was that Karl? Why was he in Sapnap’s dream_?  
  
“Thank you so much, I’m sure I would approve but he has two partners. I need to call them to make sure it’s okay.”  
  
There’s only two people he could be talking about and it concerns Sapnap. Dream and George had never cared before why now? Or maybe this wasn't a dream and he hadn’t succeeded in taking his own life. What a pain that was. Now he would have to get surgery which someone would have to pay for. Did they even have that kind of money?  
  
“Yes, yes of course. Please tell me of their decision and we will undergo the surgery as soon as possible as to prevent more damage."  
  
He hears the sound of footsteps as the woman leaft the room leaving nothing but more silence. A few minutes go by when Sapnap hears a sigh and the faint sound of a phone ringing.  
  
When someone picks up Sapnap isn't sure but a voice Sapnap can’t make out is speaking to Karl now. For a moment he tuned out, feeling the exhaustion catching up with him. If he was still alive he’d be damned, he should have thought this out better.

“He’s okay, well sorry he’s alive and for now that’s enough. When will you and George be able to get a flight?”

There’s more chatter and then a small hum from Karl.

  
“Tomorrow? Sounds good, it’s sooner than later and by the way the doc told me they’re going to have to do surgery but she wanted you and George’s approval.”  
  
More indistinct conversion.  
  
Karl responds.  
  
“I’ll tell her and that she can begin as soon as possible.”  
  
Then it’s as if Sapnap’s hearing is amplified because he can hear the next words clear as day.  
  
“Karl, please take care of my baby. Please hold his hand and do what I can’t while I’m not there.” The man on the other line which he can only presume is Dream sounds so wrecked, as if he hasn’t slept. Sapnap can’t believe he’s made the person he loves sound like that. He sounds to be in so much pain and it causes his splintered heart to ache even when it’s in a million pieces.  
  
“I will Dream, I’m just glad that I got there or h-he might have…” His friend trails off and Sapnap can hear him shift in position, which means he must be in a chair.  
  
Sapnap can’t keep awake any longer, his body wants to rest more. So at last he lets himself relax and prays that when he wakes up again he’ll be dead, that this would have all just been some cruel joke to get back at him before dying.  
  
He doesn’t know when but at some point he feels a hand over his, it’s a little smaller than his as it presses down there. He imagines it's Karl, what is his friend thinking?  
  
Is he sad? Upset? Sapnap doesn’t want to have to face him or Dream and George. They’re going to judge him and think that he’s crazy. They care about him, but why? He doesn’t deserve such a kind of love but they still give it to him unconditionally. Sapnap doesn’t understand why they would waste precious time on him but all he can do is be lucky to have such people in his life.  
  
Things are going to change ready, he doesn’t think he’ll ever be who he once was. But he hopes that he can heal, now that he is alive he hopes he can find a way to atone for his sins.  
  
Even with his eyes closed he sees a white and shiny butterfly zip across his field of vision leaving a trail of sparkling dots behind. Had Radiance somehow saved him? It was always like some kind of mother hen, it was odd but it made Sapnap feel safe. What had Radiance's intention been? He’d found out what the other demons intentions were the hard way after all.

____

  
His body aches, aches worse than it ever has. He’s never hurt all over like now not even in previous dreams. The beeping is still going at a constant pace, Sapnap lets out a small groan.  
  
“Is he awake?”  
  
He hears a soft voice. He wonders who it is, Another muffled groan escapes him, the pain makes him whines. It hurts so badly, he opens his eyes. The scent of flowers is strong, it fills his nostrils.  
  
The white ceiling above him has a dim light. Immediately he feels a hand over his. But this one isn’t Karl’s, it's bigger than his. Sapnap cranes his neck to be met with green vibrant eyes, tears are glistening in them, Sapnap’s eyes widen.  
  
“D-dream?”  
  
Dream cries out, using both his hands to grip Sapnap’s while leaning his head down over the bed.  
  
“Sapnap, oh my god Sapnap. You’re okay, you’re okay baby I can’t, I- you’re alright.” George rushes to Dream’s side, rubbing circles into his back while putting one of his own hands on top of Dream’s, George’s crying too.  
  
George used to always be more hesitant about being touchy, but after a year of them all dating he'd gotten much touchier so it wasn't uncommon to see him comforting Dream physically.  
  
“Sapnap, hunny, we’re so glad you’re okay.” George tells him. Sapnap's never seen either of them cry like they are now. It makes him cry too, because he caused them all this sorrow, that's something he can never forgive himself for.  
  
“I’m..so sorry. I-I I just. I know that I...I’m sorry I need to tell you guys everything. I’m sorry for not telling you, I’m so sorry I missed you guys so much, I wanted to be with you but I was so scared I don’t know why b-but.”  
  
His blubbering goes on as Dream and George stay there by the bed. After some time the doctor comes into the room and looks at Sapnap, she asks Dream and George to leave. They spare Sapnap one last look before leaving while wiping at their eyes, whispering to each other in hushed conversation.  
  
“It’s good to see you awake Sapnap. You’ve been in the hospital for almost 2 weeks now. Surgery on you went great and you’ll probably be here another week but these two came here to visit you every single day. I can tell they care about you.”  
  
Teary-eyed he nods, closing his eyes in shame. There’s another IV in his arm, he now notices there are nasal cannulas in his nose to assist his respiration. The hospital gown he has on is while with miniature, pastel green stars all over it.  
  
He laughs, bringing one of his arms to his head at how sad this is. He can't believe this is really happening, his mind has come undone. But it’s like now he’s no longer drowning in negative thoughts. Instead it's an undeniable shame he feels for having been fooled by his own mind into believing that Dream and George didn’t love him, it was how embarrassed he felt that he hadn’t been able to say when he needed help, instead trying to deal with it all on his own.  
  
“The police are here to question you about what happened. It’s in your best interest to answer them honestly. That is the only way we can truly help you Sapnap.”  
  
All he can do is nod, then the doctor leaves the room just as two police officers enter. One is male and the other is female. They have their uniforms on but they don’t have a belt around their waist that would be holding a holster with a gun or any kind of weapon. They’re probably trying to not frighten him.  
  
They grab two chairs from the far corner of the room and bring them closer while the woman speaks to him.  
  
“Good afternoon Sapnap, we’re here to ask you some questions, then we'll be on our way.”  
  
Sapnap nods as they both take their seats near his bed, the policeman pulls out a notepad along with a pen. Sapnap only manages to slightly prop his head up on the pillow.  
  
“After your friend brought you to the hospital we were sent to your home to look at the scene and it does look to be a suicide attempt. Is this true?”  
  
“I-it. It is..” He mutters.  
  
“Why? Were your lovers abusive or was someone abusing you in any way or trying to cause you harm?”  
  
Sapnap’s eyes widen, shaking his head from side to side harshly.  
  
“No, no nothing like that. My boyfriends love me a lot, they’d never hurt me. I don’t know why but after a while I started doubting myself. I started to think that they didn’t love me and it was affecting me. Then I got really self conscious about myself, I could never bring myself to tell anyone about it. Now here I am..”  
  
The policeman scribbles down things on the notepad as the policewoman nods at him.  
  
“Well, thank you for answering, Sapnap. After you’re discharged from the hospital we highly recommend you start doing therapy. Of course someone will have to come to your house since it would be a hassle for you to move around a lot.”  
  
Sapnap knew this was coming but it was all for the better. He also knew he’d have to have a long conversation with George and Dream. He knows they’re upset but he hopes he can talk to them.  
  
After a little more interrogation the officers left. Sapnap closes his eyes, inhaling. It felt like he couldn’t take deep breaths easily anymore. Well considering he’d ruptured his diaphragm it was only natural for it to be an issue but that didn't make the suffering go away.  
  
George and Dream come back after a while and sit in the seats the two officers had left there. George is the first to speak up.  
  
“How are you feeling Sap?”  
  
“It hurts, my body hurts a lot but I’m not tired. I’m..I’m really sorry I know that I should have said something to you guys, it’s just that-”  
  
Dream cuts him off when he takes one of his hands and places it over Sapnap’s.  
  
“We’re both hurt Sapnap. This is a big setback in our relationship, of course we don’t love you any less but you not having trusted us is a really big problem. After you're discharged George is quitting his job so he can stay around the house to take care of you.”  
  
Sapnap wants to say George doesn’t have to do that but he knows he is in no position to be saying that. Not after all he’s done and how much he’s lied to them, they probably don’t trust him like they once did. That was his fault, he knew this and he was going to own up to it.  
  
So instead of arguing he nods his head. Dream goes on.  
  
“You need to tell us everything Sapnap, these next months we’re going to work on building an even better bond with you and learning to trust you again and for you to trust us. We don’t want anything like this to _ever_ happen again.”  
  
Sapnap nods, preparing to speak.  
  
“Well, If I’ve been here for 2 weeks. Then all this started a month ago. Dream do you remember in high school when I used to post a lot on social media? And people body shamed me. So I deleted the account and tried to stay low.”  
  
Dream frowns at the memory but he nods, the blonde isn’t sure he likes where he thinks this is going.  
  
“One of those people found me again and did the same shit, I blocked them and tried to ignore them. But then I started fearing I was overweight, I became really obsessed with trying to control it, barely ate anything. I started doubting myself and you guys too.”  
  
Sapnap breaks off as he feels Dream squeeze his hand, it gives him the ability to keep going.  
  
“I thought you guys would be disappointed, I couldn’t bear the thought. I just felt like a nuisance to you both and I had never thought about taking my own life. But after you guys went to Hawaii I started longing to be there. I wish I hadn’t lied, it grew to be too much. I had convinced myself that you guys didn’t need me and i-it hurt…”  
  
Dream gives his hand another comforting squeeze. “God Sapnap you are such an idiot but I love you anyways. Me and George love you so much, we’re all in this relationship. You need to pull it together because this isn’t you and I don’t like you thinking so badly of yourself. You’re so beautiful Sapnap I love you the way you are.” Dream utters to him, he says it so unequivocally that there’s nothing Sapnap can do besides accept it, it fills him with reassurance. Suddenly he doesn’t know how he could have ever doubted their love for him.  
  
The heart monitor next to him is the only thing making any sound for a few minutes, but then Sapnap strains himself to try and sit up to do something besides feel helpless in a hospital bed.  
  
“Woah, woah you shouldn’t be moving too much.” George warns, making Sapnap lay back down.  
  
“I know.. It's just that I want to hug you guys so much. I missed you guys, I’m so glad you’re here-.”  
  
“Shh, it’s okay Sapnap. We’re right here and we’re not going anywhere.” Dream mutters to him, rubbing shapes onto the back of his hand with his thumb. Gently Dream brings Sapnap’s hands up to his lips and kisses each of his knuckles with soft tender pecks.  
  
Sapnap sniffles once more before nodding.  
  
“When we’re all home can we spend time together?”  
  
George and Dream both gently laugh, telling Sapnap that when they’re home they can do anything he wants. Amidst everything else George also told him something that Sapnap had suspected he'd known but just brushed aside.  
  
“That day at the airport Sapnap, when I picked you up. I realized that you had been lying to us about eating but I didn’t think to go back. I thought if you called us everyday and told us you were okay it’d be fine, especially when Dream told me Karl was going to go visit you, I thought it would all be fine...”  
  
Sapnap nods and closes his eyes, the apology is accepted without any exchanging of words, they know that all is done and well.  
  
“Me and Dream both were at fault too, if we had turned back before the plane took off and taken care of you none of this would have happened. But there’s nothing we can do to change the past so let’s try to not dwell on it.”  
  
Sapnap still feels horrible for all the pain he’s brought to George and Dream, and Karl too. But he’ll make things better because it’s all he can do now. There’s no use in whining and wishing he’d done something different. He was living in the present. Not the past or the future, he had to focus on today, getting through tomorrow. That’s what was important, Sapnap would make sure to not let himself lose sight of what he needed to focus on anymore.  
  
They chat a bit more about anything really. Dream and George talk about their trip and all the things they saw, they also mentioned how they wished he’d been there. They say it more times then he can count but he doesn’t blame them, it actually makes him feel good. It fills the fragments of his heart with warmth. He’ll learn to rebuild his heart, bandage it up, then finally glue it back together, it’ll take time to heal, he knew this. The pain was temporary, his death would have been everlasting, an undoable act.  
  
As much as they all hate it, visiting hours are going to be over soon. Both Dream and George place kisses on his forehead, telling him they’ll be back tomorrow bright and early.  
  
Before they leave Sapnap reaches out his hands.  
  
“Dreamy, Gogy hold my hands before you go please. I’m gonna miss the warm feeling.” George reaches forward, holding his hand tightly, Dream grabs hold of his other hand gently.  
  
“You make sure to get some rest okay?” George mumbles to him. Sapnap nods, then they’re both gone. But this time Sapnap understands that he’s not alone and that they’ll return to his side as soon as possible.  
  
Sapnap knows they have a lot to talk about, that he needs to listen to them just how they would do the same for him.  
  
It all seemed so far away, the thoughts. He wasn’t drowning in the ocean or the lake in his head anymore.  
  
He had made it onto land, he was gasping and choking up water. Soaked, cold, barely breathing, but he was alive, that was what mattered, if he was alive he could get better. Change into new dry clothes, warm himself up by a fire. For the moment he buries it deep inside him deciding to stop letting his mind return to those thoughts.  
  
Now alone Sapnap looks around him, he discovers the source of the smell he’d caught a whiff of when regaining consciousness. There's a vase of fresh flowers on the windowsill with a little note card on it that says;  
  
𝓖𝓮𝓽 𝓦𝓮𝓵𝓵 𝓢𝓸𝓸𝓷

-𝓚𝓪𝓻𝓵 _  
_ _  
_ Man, he had nice handwriting. Sapnap stares at it. What happens to be even more ironic is that the flowers are Bellflowers. He studies the purple color and looks next to the vase. There’s a stuffed bear sitting there; Sapnap gasps. He’d know that stuffed animal from anywhere, it was the one Dream had won him on their first date. Sapnap can’t get up but he desperately wants to hold it. He waits until a nurse comes in to check on him, then he makes his request. She nods, handing him the stuffed bear; happy to fulfill his wish.  
  
Hugging it to his chest he smiles while closing his eyes, it brings back memories. It makes him happy.  
  
That night he falls asleep soundly with the bear in his embrace, hugging it with no plans of letting go.  
  
His mind wanders to thoughts of George, of Dream, he thinks about how much he loves them.  
  
He also thinks about how much they love him.  
  
Never had he rested as great as he did that night 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I spent so long trying to find out what nose cannula's were called


	11. Slightly Ordinary

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Karl decides that Sapnap deserves to have a fun day out.

“Morning sleepy head.” Sapnap hears as he enters the kitchen.  
  
He yawns and rubs his eyes, still groggy.  
  
“Morning.” He mumbles and goes over slumping his weight slightly onto George.  
  
It’s early September. Sapnap is back home after being released from the hospital nearly four months ago. He’d spent almost 8 weeks mostly in bed being taken care of by Dream and George, moving hurt and even getting up to use the restroom had been a battle.  
  
Now he was finally moving more. He wasn’t running around much or exerting himself too much. The day after he’d been rushed to the hospital he’d been fired from his job for obvious implications that he would be in no condition to work.  
  
It would take a long time for his body to become semi-normal again, for now he was just staying around the house.  
  
“Are you hungry?” George asks  
  
“Mmm, a little.” Sapnap responds.  
  
George smiles turning from facing the stove to put a spatula down and hug Sapnap. He kisses the younger's head and holds him close as Sapnap hums in appreciation. Sapnap found it ludicrous that because of him George had to stay home and Dream had to work extra hours.  
  
They always told Sapnap his health was way more important to them so they didn’t mind. Even so Sapnap always had this tiny hint of guilt that was stuck to a part of his mind.  
  
After he was discharged he started.therapy, someone would come to the house 4 days a week and talk to Sapnap. Nothing out of Sapnap’s comfort zone, anything he didn’t want to answer he wouldn’t and his therapist didn’t mind. He’d tell Sapnap to relax and just tell him when he was ready. They also spoke about his anorexia in depth, (Seeing as his therapist did specialize in eating disorders.) it was all part of the treatment for it.  
  
His therapist never laughed at him. Never gave him any judgemental stares or told him he had to do something. He’d ask questions, he’d listen then give advice. Not once did he force Sapnap to do a single thing, he couldn’t be more relieved that his therapist was a good one.  
  
He successfully recovered from Marasmus and was able to take medication for his anxiety as well as come to terms with it. Well at least to a certain extent, he still uncontrollably shook sometimes or started hyperventilating but he’d learned to start trusting himself more. And from that rebuilt his trust in the two people he loved more than anyone.  
  
Things weren’t perfect, yet they were slowly getting better and that was progress.  
  
“Well lucky for you, I’m making pancakes.” George grins, clearly feeling proud of himself. Out of the three of them Dream was definitely the chef so Sapnap imagined that George was just happy he could show off his skills too.  
  
George had always been a little better at baking but not many occasions called for it so he didn’t do it often.  
  
“Sounds really yummy, thanks Gogy.”  
  
“Of course Sap, now sit down!” George unlatches himself from Sapnmap and takes the spatula, pointing it at him like a weapon.  
  
Sapnap whines and clings to George. He didn’t used to be clingy but after everything that happened he developed the habit of wanting to be around George and Dream whenever he could. Neither of them minded, in fact they found it rather adorable, not that they’d ever say it to Sapnap’s face, he'd immediately put up some kind of argument and insist he wasn’t clingy.  
  
After the entire ordeal he had become less of his cocky self and became a lot softer. He was a lot milder now with things like playfully fighting, but he still did joke with them from time to time, he might even flirt if he was feeling up to it.  
  
“Don’t wanna, I wanna be here with you.” Sapnap complains, George shakes his head sighing.  
  
“You know I can’t say no to you, just be careful. If you get burnt Dream's gonna rain down hell on me.” He jokes and wraps one arm around Sapnap’s waist. Dream was working right now and wouldn’t be home until late in the afternoon.  
  
When it was around the time for him to come home Sapnap would always be at the door like a puppy awaiting it’s owners arrival. Dream was usually tired, he’d walk in the door and always be greeted by Sapnap who gave him a hug. It always usually went the same, Sapnap lurching forward to embrace the taller man while the blonde opened his arms acceptingly.  
  
“Hi Dreamy!” Sapnap would say, the way his lips curled up into a smile always made Dream’s heart skip a beat.  
  
“Hey Sapnap, miss me?” He’d respond, tone exhausted.  
  
“Yes, very much!”  
  
“I’m glad, because I missed you too.”  
  
George would usually be in the kitchen putting out plate’s for a simple dinner he’d cooked. Sapnap and Dream would enter at the same time smiling or laughing about something and sometimes just tranquil silence.  
  
Now Sapnap giggled, it tickles his vocal chords as it came from his mouth.  
  
“That’s for sure.” Sapnap mutters as George uses his one hand to flip a pancake.  
  
Sapnaps eyes gradually shut as he relaxed.  
  
“Do you want any fruit on your pancake Sap?” George asks him a few minutes later and Sapnap opens his eyes to find two plates with 2 pancakes each on the counter. He sniffs at the air, the smell makes him realize he might be hungrier than he thought.  
  
“Strawberries please.”  
  
“Do you mind getting them out of the fridge?” Sapnap nods, moving towards the refrigerator and pulls it open looking around for the plastic box of strawberries, upon spotting them he grabs them with one hand.  
  
He pulls them out from the fridge and sets them on the counter near the sink. Taking out some of the small berries from the box he washes them in a bowl under the faucet of the sink.  
  
When he’s done he finds himself a cutting board and then retrieves a knife. He stares at it and frowns, he tires to not think about it. But whenever he gazes at a knife he’s reminded of-  
  
“I’m right here.” George says to him and Sapnap looks over finding George looking at him lovingly.  
  
Sapnap nods, smiling from the gesture. He dips his head down, starting to cut the leaves off the strawberries and slicing them diagonally into teensy chunks. Once he’s done he goes over, putting some on top of his pancakes. He arranges them to form a flower like creation on top of the fluffy pancakes.  
  
“Do you want some Gogy?”  
  
“Yes, that would be nice thank you hun.” George replies from where he is now at the sink washing the pan and spatula.  
  
Sapnap nods and does the same for George’s plate. He wipes off his hands on a paper towel and reaches up to open the cabinet. He grabs a bottle of maple syrup, setting it out on the table. He carries the two plates to the table, then takes a seat.  
  
He puts his hands together waiting for George to join him.  
  
“Thank you for the food.” He says before grabbing the fork that was already on the table for him beforehand when George sits down next him.  
  
They eat in silence for most of the time until George pokes Sapnap. He looks over and sees that George has his fork out with a piece of pancake on it. One of his hands is under it in case anything falls. Sapnap looks at it not quite understanding until the fork comes closer to his mouth, slightly touching his lip.  
  
“C’mon I’m trying to feed you, don’t be cold and reject me like that.” George teases. Sapnap rolls his eyes, cheeks flushed as he leans forward, opening his mouth. He closes his lips around the fork and eats the food from it, pulling his head back slowly.  
  
“Thank you.” He mutters and George nods.  
  
Once they both finish George does the dishes when Sapnap hears a knock at the door. He stands up from his chair, going over to the door.  
  
His eyes light up once he opens it.  
  
“Karl!”  
  
“Sapnap, hey sorry for showing up unannounced.”  
  
“No worries, what brings you here?” Sapnap says cheerfully letting Karl walk in, shutting the front door behind him.  
  
“Well, I wanted to ask George if I could steal you for a while so we can go hang out, watch a movie at the theatre or go to the arcade. I dunno it’s just been a long time and I’m sure you’d like to go out.”  
  
Sapnap nods while walking towards the kitchen. Karl really was so considerate of him and he couldn’t be more thankful for that. They reach the kitchen where George is wiping his hands with a towel.  
  
He sets it aside and turns around seeing Karl and Sapnap.  
  
“Ah, hey Karl. Nice seeing you.”  
  
“You too George, I was wondering if me and Sapnap could hang out today.” He asks, grinning and throwing one of his arms loosely around Sapnap’s shoulder.  
  
“Sure thing, just be careful, make sure he doesn’t exert himself a lot.”  
  
Karl points at himself and nods shaking his head up and down. “You can count on me, I’ll carry him if he gets too tired.”  
  
Sapnap narrows his eyes and stares at Karl scoffing. “You are doing no such thing, so keep dreaming.”  
  
“Wahhh you’re so cruel to me, you would let George or Dream do it!”  
  
“That’s different and you know it.”  
  
“Hmph, yeah I guess.” Karl says and brings his arms to cross them in a pouting manner. George laughs, walking over planting a kiss on Sapnap’s nose. “Have fun, I’m going to go take a shower.”  
  
Sapnap nods and excuses himself to go and change, he returns downstairs in one of George’s shirts and a pair of jeans. Despite therapy Sapnap still couldn’t help but feel slightly insecure about his body, especially the scar on his chest from the surgery. Whenever he looked at it in the mirror he couldn’t help but find it ugly.  
  
“Well are we going?” Karl says. "Yeah, yeah." They make their way towards the door Sapnap hears a meow and looks down to see Patches.  
  
“I’ll be back later girl.” He mumbles and scratches behind her ears as Karl and Sapnap leave and get into Karl’s car.  
  
“So where to?” Karl asks.  
  
“Arcade.” Sapnap doesn’t even have to ponder on it.  
  
“Arcade it is!”  
  
They’re out of the driveway within a couple minutes as Karl lets Sapnap play some music on his phone.  
  
____  
  
“There’s no wayyyy.” Karl cries in defeat as Sapnap fistbumps the air.  
  
“Oh yeah! I’m so good at video games.”  
  
“No, you just got lucky!”  
  
“Or maybe you just suck.” Sapnap retorts and cackles after winning against Karl in a game of Skee-ball. Sapnap took his tickets as the machine spit them out, he folded them up neatly and put them inside of a plastic ziploc bag with all the rest of his tickets.  
  
Karl sighs out as he takes his few ten tickets and stands up shaking around an empty small paper cup.  
  
“I’m all out of token, how about you?” Sapnap looks down at his cup to only see one token left.  
  
“Don’t have enough to play anything.” He shrugs, they both begin walking over to the ticket machine to let it take their tickets and replace it with a receipt that would reveal the exact number of their winnings.  
  
They’d spent the entire afternoon playing games here, Sapnap was enjoying himself a lot.  
  
Sapnap smoothes out his tickets and lets the machine eat them one by one. When he no longer has any tickets he presses a button saying he’s done. Momentarily a small white receipt is given back to him. He takes it and looks at the number ready to brag to Karl about how many more tickets he’d acquired. Karl is just in the middle of pressing the button on his machine when Sapnap comes over.  
  
“How many tickets did ya get?” The man asks innocently.  
  
Karl has a glum expression on his face as he stares at the paper.  
  
“You’re going to make fun of me for the rest of my life.”  
  
“Nooo, I would never!” He says, shifting his weight to one foot sneering while awaiting Karl’s answer.  
  
“Nine hundred thirty-two.”  
  
“Hey that’s not too bad! I only got two thousand one hundred forty-seven.” Sapnap gives his friend an apologetic pat on the back as they stride towards the prize counter.  
  
" _only_." Karl repeats.  
  
"Yup." Sapnap says laughing through the reply.  
  
Sapnap wastes all his tickets on a white lava lamp and bouncy balls, while Karl decides to invest in pizza shaped gummies and a necklace with a duck on it. Neither of them are too famished so they just sit at a table. Eventually Sapnap stands up to get cotton candy, returning to the table with the fluffy pink sugar on a paper cone.  
  
“I never took you as the guy with a sweet tooth.” Karl tentatively questions toying with the necklace he’d gotten that is now hanging around his neck.  
  
“Well I was just feeling in the mood.” He takes a bite out of the airy, wiry substance, letting it dissolve on his tongue.  
  
“Hahaha, okay okay don’t have to get all defensive. I should probably be taking you home before those two boyfriends of yours have my head.” He says motioning with his thumb as if someone was cutting his head off.  
  
“They won’t if I tell them not to, but yeah you’re right I am starting to get a little tired.” Sapnap says laughing at Karl’s act, taking more of the cotton candy in his mouth. “Thanks for today Karl, it was really fun.”  
  
Karl has a beamish expression on his face as he swats his hand playfully in his general direction.  
  
“Don’t worry about it, that’s what good friends are for!”  
  
“You’re so humble aren’t you.” Sapnap says dryly, getting to his feet.  
  
“That’s me.” Karl exclaims pointing at himself, while sliding out of the booth they’d been sat in.  
  
Sapnap rolls his eyes as they walk out of the arcade, Karl holds the door open for him as Sapnap tells him all about how much of a gentleman he is in that bantering tone of his. The one that makes Karl’s cheek flush from the embarrassment of being complimented. He assures Sapnap that he doesn't have to be so nice but Sapnap insists all the way to the car.  
  
The ride home was rather quiet, Sapnap was nodding off every few minutes having to pinch himself to stay awake.  
  
He hadn’t seen Radiance or Abyss since the day he’d been admitted into the hospital, they had just been hallucinations after all. Well, that was the only thing they could be. At least he hoped so.  
  
What was he thinking?  
  
Demons didn’t exist, he was being silly. He shakes his head laughing in spite of it.  
  
Karl glances over at him.  
  
“Did I miss something?” The male asks Sapnap.  
  
“Nope! Just thinking.”  
  
Karl accepts it with a nod, his hands gripping onto the steering wheel as he turns onto Sapnap’s street.  
  
They pull into the driveway and Sapnap gets out of the car with Karl. “Thanks again for today Karl, I know I already said but I really am thankful.” Sapnap says, opening his arms up to hug his friend. Karl smiles and nods hugging back. “It’s no problem Sapnap, now come on I must deliver you to the door.”  
  
“What am I? An amazon package?” He jokes, Karl musters a chuckle before walking up the steps to the front door.  
  
Sapnap follows. once he’s there knocks on the door with his fist. He catches the sound of footsteps and soon the door cracks open. George is standing there, opening the door wider once he sees who it is. “Look who’s back!” He says grinning looking from Karl to Sapnap.  
  
Karl is the one to answer as he leans up against the doorframe when George takes a step back to let them inside.  
  
“Yeah, I brought him home but thanks for letting him go out. We had tons of fun.” He’s grinning idiotically at George who nods in return.  
  
“I’m glad. Thank you for bringing him home Karl.”  
  
“Of course no problem, I’ll see you all later.”  
  
Karl says with a mini salute like gesture with two of his fingers before turning around on his heel.  
  
George shuts the door and pats Sapnap’s head looking at the box he held in his hands with a lava lamp inside.  
  
“Oooo, that’s neat. Did you win it?”  
  
“No, I stole it.” Sapnap jokingly jeers, earning him a slight flick on the cheek. “Owie! Ack yeah I did win it.”  
  
He says putting a hand on his cheek, rubbing as George laughs.  
  
“That’s what you get for being smart.” George says. His hair was slightly messy and from the looks of it slightly damp. Sapnap assumed he’d just had a shower and figured he would do the same.  
  
“Is Dream cooking tonight?” Sapnap asks brushing past the subject.  
  
George shakes his head shrugging.  
  
“Nope, he just decided to order pizza. So you can go upstairs and shower if you want.”  
  
“I will, thanks!” Sapnap walks over into the kitchen setting the box onto the island deciding to set it up in his room later.  
  
He makes his way upstairs and into his room where he fetches some pajamas. His clothes were all starting to fit him better again, not fully but he was getting there. It was a slow process, Sapnap vowed he was going to get there.  
  
He goes to the bathroom, swinging open the door. There he’s met with Dream’s back, he has his pants on but is in the middle of taking off his shirt. Dream’s arms are up above his head with the shirt pretty much completely off. He yanks it off the rest of the way. Dream turns his head to look at Sapnap.  
  
“Welcome back Sapnap.”  
  
Sapnap doesn’t respond, he covers his eyes with a hand, a blush spreading across his cheeks. You’d think after dating a guy for around a lustrum it wouldn’t be uncommon or flustering to see him half-naked. For Sapnap this clearly wasn’t the case, of course he’d seen Dream naked. They’d had sex before for god’s sake, but here he was standing stiff with his eyes covered, face red like he’d never seen a guy shirtless.  
  
“U-uh yeah, I’m back. Are you going to shower? Sorry that I didn’t knock, I’ll just come back in a little bit.” Sapnap says, already backing up from the doorway, he felt a hand on his wrist. More specifically the wrist of his hand that was over his eyes.  
  
Dream gently pulls his hand down, smirking at him.  
  
“Yeah I am gonna shower, but that doesn’t mean we can’t shower together.” He croons winking at Sapnap to which the raven haired reacts by looking away.  
  
“N-no, I can wait.” He stammers, taking another step back.  
  
Dream howls in laughter, doubling over in the amusement.  
  
“Oh my god, shut the fuck up.” Sapnap hisses, his face cherry red as he grips his clothes in one hand. Dream cuts it out, standing up straight and wiping tears from the corners of his eyes. He lets out a wheeze.  
  
“That was priceless, but seriously. There’s nothing wrong with us taking a shower together.” Dream says, kicking at his pile of clothes on the floor to move them into the far corner out of the way.  
  
Hesitation is clear in the way he bites his lip. Though it was true there wasn’t a problem, Dream would be able to see the scar on his chest along with his entire body, maybe Dream didn't mind but Sapnap did. He would be so utterly exposed. Not to mention he wouldn’t be able to help eyeing Dream and his defined chest. The way water would trickle down his abs if they were showering, how the steam would encircle his body. His blond hair would be wet and most likely flopped over his eyes, Dream already looked attractive as it is but naked, In the shower? Shit he would be getting enough eye candy to last him a lifetime.  
  
“Mmm, yeah I know. But I’ll pass.”  
  
“Your loss, and here I was thinking you wanted to stare at me a little longer.” Dream sighs nonchalantly to which makes Sapnap’s face heat up again.  
  
“In your dreams.” Sapnap spats, shaking Dream’s grip off his wrist and walking out of the bathroom, leaving the door open.  
  
Even after everything, one of the few things he still couldn’t stand was seeing himself naked. Much less someone else seeing him that way. He wasn’t obsessed over his weight but he still disliked some of the fat he had on his stomach. Not much but just enough to make him abashed by it. The scar on his chest was also an issue. He’d have to talk about it with his therapist on Monday.  
  
That was three days from now, which didn’t seem like such a long period of time. Sapnap goes downstairs and snatches the box with his lava lamp, retreating to his room. Once inside he unplugs the lamp on his night stand and sets it on the floor. He opens up the box, lifting up the lamp onto the bare spot, soon Sapnap has it plugged in and turned on.  
  
Sapnap pokes at the plastic like glass, picturing what the inside of the lava lamp it would feel like in his hands. Well, that sounded sort of weird but he had to admit it also sounded cool. He puts the other lamp into the now empty box, pushing it to the corner of his room. His clean clothes were on top of his dresser, a little wrinkled.  
  
Sapnap sits down on his bed, waiting until Dream comes in dressed to tell him he was finished. He picks up his clothes and goes into the bathroom. Happening to catch sight of the mirror, he sees the sloppy letters where someone had written out ‘I love you.’ in the fog. There was only one person it could have been. Sapnap shakes his head but the smile on his face is apparent.  
  
With that the day ends in a few hours after they’ve all had dinner. But tonight Sapnap doesn’t feel like sleeping alone. When Dream starts to go up to his room Sapnap comes up behind him, tugging at the sleeve of his shirt.  
  
Dream looks back at him. “Need something Sappy?”  
  
“Sorta, where’s George?”  
  
“In the bathroom brushing his teeth, why?”  
  
“Can we all sleep in your room tonight?” Sapnap asks, his voice small as if scared Dream would object.  
  
“Of course, I’ll go tell him. You go on ahead.”  
  
Sapnap nods, walking off towards Dream's room, he curls up under the covers and inhales the scent of Dream. It was comforting to be here, he curled up into a tight ball. Before he knew it, he'd fallen asleep before Dream and George had even gotten into the room.  
  
It had been so warm in Dream’s blanket and it’d only gotten warmer when he felt the two other men join him in bed. He was already fast asleep, but he could still feel the movement and the pressure that was put onto the mattress. Then when he felt a pair of arms around him, and soft kisses peppered onto his cheeks it was nice...


End file.
